Position:Home>Poetry> This is my first poem on here and i was tired so i hope its not bad.... let me k
Question: This is my first poem on here and i was tired so i hope its not bad!.!.!.!. let me know what ya think thanks!?
What do you want from me
what did i ever do
i tried to help as much as i can
its just not worth the pain you put me through
i laid beside you i held you tight
but now i lay alone each night
you say i dont love you, you just dont know
my feelings for you are hard to control
you need your space from me i dont think you understand
its hard for me, all i want to do is once again hold your hand
i told you im leaving you said i should
all i wounder is if you ove me or if you ever could
you dont seem to care so i will leave for you
even tho it hurts me to i know its what i have to do!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The intensity of the emotion is incredible!. Poetry HAS to have depth and soul, or it isn't worth reading!. Your poem has both!.
However, to make it easier for the reader to grasp what you are trying to convey, this is what I would suggest:
Separate your poem into verses!. It sounds like every 4 lines would be efficient!.
Watch your cadence and accents!. !.
In line 5, you need a comma between "you" and "i"!. That will confuse things, so why not simply say "I laid beside you holding you tight" instead!? Or split the lines up:
I laid beside you,
I held you tight,
But now I lay
Alone every night!.
It sounds like most of the poem needs to have the lines split up!.
Line 6 is the end of a thought so it needs a period!.
Line 7----you say, "I don't love you"---if you put the words in quotation marks, it will be less confusing!.
Lines 9 and 10 are too wordy!.
Line 11---The phrasing is too easy to stumble over!. Try something like:
I'm leaving now,
As you told me I should,
Knowing not if you love me,
Or ever could!.
The poem itself is sad and beautiful!. With a little rephrasing here and there, you've got something that is so strong, it's worth setting to music!. And you did this while you were tired!?
Not bad!. Not bad at all!.
That's my opinion!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
For me, half the poem works and the second does not!.If you look at line nine carefully and just imagine you did not write it, youll find that the rhythem falls apart and does till the end!.But just tweak it a bit and it should work out!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
the poem is full of emotions!. there is rhyme!. and I like it!. if it's your first poem, it will realy be good!.
i like the mood and the tone!.Nice poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Okay, you know you need to go back over this and use the spell check and punctuation to make it better!. Use capitulation when needed!.
It's a pretty good poem for a first timer!. Good job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Why do I sympathize with the gal, eh!?
Nice poem!.!.!. I really feel her pain!.
But to express it fully, you should post more chap!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well for some reason I agree with Countess!.
You show her pain and your lack of understanding well!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its so natural!.
i've had the same feelings last time!.!.
keep it up!.
nice one!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com