Constructive critcism on this poem, please?

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Question:

Perpetual

we'd sit there
across from each other I mean!.
in the restaurant with the cute
waitress that wiggles her butt
to and fro
to and fro!.
we'd sit there
as she brings us coffee
terrible coffee
black coffee
stony coffee with brittle and bitter
chunks of sugar lumps
on the side
which made it taste
even stronger!.
we wouldn't order,
we'd sit there!.
we'd sit there
and we'd talk but mostly
we'd sit there!.

when we do talk
it'd go something like this!.

"It's hard, you know!?"
"What is!?"
"Sinking!.
Sinking lower and lower and lower until one day
you realize you're not sinking anymore and there's
something solid
under your feet!."

you'd say nothing
I'd say nothing
you'd say

"What if you can't find the ground!?"
"What if you kept sinking, you mean!?"
"Perpetual!."

I'd say nothing
you'd say nothing
I'd say

"I think that would be harder!."

then we'd leave!.
I would insist on 20 percent
but you would talk me down
to 15 percent!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

This is a poem!?!?!?!? Sounds like more of a conversation going on between two people!. A bad conversation!. Get a book of poetry so you can see what a real poem looks like!. You are the one who asked for constructive criticism, if you can't take it, don't ask!. Hacks may get published but they don't win as many awards as I have and they don't have places like London, England asking permission to publish my poems!. As far as all the thumbs down goes, that only proves me right, this is not a poem and looking at poems in a book of poetry would prove that!. IT NEEDS WORK!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is honestly poor!. Lines like, 'Wiggles her butt' make the reader cringe and I wouldn't reccomend putting numbers (as figures) into poetry, although that is just personal preferance!.

I don't want to seem too critical but I think that by reading more poetry you will be able to see the difference between this and better writing!. I recomend Wole Soyinka's 'Telephone Conversation' which is a good poem with a similar "awkward conversation"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Joey,
This is a nice poem
And you wrote this out very well too
although I would have gone somewhere else!.
With a waitress doing what she did
demanding a tip
I would not tip at all!.
Terrible coffee
black coffee
that would have been the reason to go else where
There was probably no communication because
of the service!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think you could make it into a good one!.
Nice:)Www@QuestionHome@Com