Comment on my poem please?

Question: Comment on my poem please!?

In between our thoughts
Caught in mid conversation
I spare you a second
You spare me two
And as the second drags on
I wonder,
If you are my freedom
Or just a entry to a wider horizon
A larger field yet still fenced in
The second passes
And my attention returns
Only to you
There was never enough time
The moment of thought is fleeting
Never to be conjured again
But it's ok,
I'll dance with you on this larger fieldWww@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I like it!.

However,may I make a suggestion!?

Instead of:
"!.!.!.!.!.!. just a entry to a wider horizon"

How about"
"!.!.!.!.!.!.an entry into a wider horizon"!.!.!.

I think it reads and flows better, but really, it's up to you =]

also you mention three seconds in total : "I spare you a second [1] you spare me two [2 more]!.!.!."

so the following "As the second drags on!.!.!." throws the reader of, only 'slightly' but it will not hitch if you use:

"Second [s] drag on"

also, as a matter of grammar "Or just [a] entry!.!." should be "!.!.!.!.a[n] entry"!.!.!.

but that is somewhere up top!.

Since/ rather [if] you are changing second to second[s] then you will also need to change: "The second passes!.!.!." to"

"The second[s] pass!.!.!."

That's all =]

But overall, I really like the thought and mood the poem conjures!. My favorite line is:

"But it's okay, I'll dance with you on this larger field"

=]Www@QuestionHome@Com

Its ok, confusing yet good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

That's a very nice try!. A bit complicated but sweet!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

it is beautiful!Www@QuestionHome@Com

good, it describesWww@QuestionHome@Com

your poem is really great !!! I've tried to write poems before, but neither of them are as good as yours ;)Www@QuestionHome@Com

its nice!.!.!.!. you tried to put in many feelings - in a creative way!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

goodWww@QuestionHome@Com