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Question: My Lie(f) - Give me some honest feedback people!!?
This one is short!. I don't really have an opinion on it yet!. I want yours!. So, enjoy it or not, here it is!.!.!.
My Lie(f)
I've asked you not to look at me like that!.
Your gaze pierces my heart like the sharpest of blades!.
Though I repeatedly attempt to escape,
I am held in place by your puissant gravity!.
Unable to control my own existence, I surrender!.
Self-esteem is a deserter,
Fled at the maliciousness of this eternal, internal conflict!.
I am envious!.
This torment and torture is worth it!.
I lie to myself with ease!.
This life is built on a lie - the lie of you!.
If I ever tell myself the truth I will crumble into nothing!.
I live the lie!.
I love the lie!.
I am the lie!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The angst is the lie in your story, a good theme!. Your ending stanza reinforces your problem!. As to critique, your lines in beats are extreme, perhaps some tightening, would help by removing some excess words!. Some word choices such as puissant gravity and maliciousness would not have been my first picks!. Overall though, this is worth keeping!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Why don't you use LI(F)E instead of LIE(F)!? That would be more understandable :)
Your poem is quite good, however it didn't really touch me!. You should work more on the rhymes and syllables!. The last stanza doesn't really fit in there!.!.!.!.it sounds like the refrain of a miserable rock song!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Budding talent!. Good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Great work!. You have talent!. Keep working on your skills--you are going to become a really good poet!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Yes, that hit the spot!.
Well done!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Keep up the good work!. I think its very touching!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
awe from the heart i like it x mwah xWww@QuestionHome@Com