Position:Home>Poetry> Critique of my poem. I've critiqued a few, now it's my turn.?
Question: Critique of my poem!. I've critiqued a few, now it's my turn!.!?
The snow falls down, I see a twinkle in your eye,
I wonder what it is, are you about to cry!?
I walk closer, put my coat around your shoulders,
I see you smile, and begin to shiver as I get colder,
I'm smiling too I realise, you laugh a little bit,
And we stand there, the more you smile the warmer I get,
There was no tears, you were looking at the lights,
On that big ol' Christmas tree, what a sight!.
Our cheeks are gettin' red, and I thought I'd seen it all,
You look so pretty, as the snowflakes fall!.
I move a little closer, don't know what else to do,
I lock my hand with yours,I want to stay right here with you!.
I hear music playin' in the background, Its David Gray,
So I pull you closer, and we dance the night away!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The first poem is lovely!. The only change i can think of is to say "beautiful" instead of "pretty" on the fifth-to last line!.
For the second poem!.!.!.
say "the same me i thought i'd always be"
instead of "The same me who I always thought I'd be"
& maybe change "this" to "that" in "This strong solid boldfaced hero" since its what you used to be!.
& "but in the end" instead of "The end result is"
& maybe make it "dreamt" in "Even after the dreams I've dreamed so great"
& "even after every word I've spoken" instead of
"Even after all the soft words I've spoken"
--- I don't want to sound too critical though! Your own words are always best! just tryin' to help!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
very nice!. i would love to here that in a song!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You also need to look at "you were looking!.!.!.", because it's past tense and therefore doesn't agree with the rest of the poem's present tense pattern!.
The poem tells a very sweet story, the rhymes are okay, and the rhymed couplets are almost far enough apart as to soften the rhyme!.!.!.but you might have improved on that if you'd enjambed the rhyme so it wasn't so hard stopped at the end of each line (you did on some lines, but there are others where the rhymes fell harder that might benefit from that as well)!.
It's not a bad piece, and there is a natural voice in it that I like!. I think the part that needs most improvement is the flow!.!.!.it seems like there are too many instances where it stops, then starts!.!.!.when it might have flowed a little more smoothly!.
!.!.!.nice start!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com