Wat do u think of my poems???

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Question:

Poem#1
The key to my heart is reserved
to the guy who tore me apart
hes the one who can fix me
hes the one who broke me
now with a knife in my heart
and a shortness of breath
you have broken me again

Poem 2
Sorrow for pain
Happyness isn't a gain
and the tears i shed
on this i dread
Pleading for my life
if death is not of wat you fear
next i will shed a tear
i have hurt you more than ever
never to be together

Poem 3
The game of life
is not to short
but the game of death is coming fast
every breath i have taken another heart breakin'
i hope you can forgive me for all the bad stuff ive done

i no the last one isnt to good but wat ever!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I'm just going to say it's alright though!.!.!.

Your poems are very abstract, but has very little 'concrete image' and it's also not very vivid!. You try to describe such painful emotion with a lot abstract writing, but you don't have enough concrete image to give the audience an image/emotion in their mind!.

Example:

1)"He made a loud sound" (Very Abstract)

"He made a loud sound like a hippo eating a thousand stale pecan pies with metal teeth"
(It adds that little silly image to enhance the meaning)

2) I will take the example of your two lines from Poem 1 and I'll add a 'concrete image' to show you how effective the line becomes!.

"Hes the one to fix me"
"Hear him sing his song to lift my heavy heart"

"Hes the one to broke me"
"He let the dark light pick me to my bones"

Try reading other people's poem to get the idea of how good poems are written!. And please, although music is what motivates and gives us inspiration in our poem, doesn't mean we write the same as they do!. Most songs I have listened to, many of them are VERY abstract and I've encountered very few well written lyrics that could just easily be mistaken with a poem!.

I'm kind of lazy to describe other things to help you with your poem as I'm suppose to be doing my Physics and I think my English homework, but I'll show you this article I think you'll find it to help you :)

EDITED:

P!.S!.

Oh! I forgot to tell you something important

Just because I say your poems are very abstracts doesn't mean you should restart or start writing ALL of your poems in concrete images!. Good poems are written with both concrete images and abstract writing!. Just like how too much abstract writing makes your poem too boring, too much concrete images makes your poem too 'over the top' and hurts your poem!.

Poetry is very hard but as you'll grow as a poet, so does your poems :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

i would change the last line of poem 3 to

i hope you can forgive me
for all my iniquity

just to make it rhyme and to make it an even number!. unless you want it your way!. its really up to you!.

i think you should get a deviantart!. its an online community for artists where you can post work, get critique, get inspiration, and get to know other writers!. and its free!.

also, this is minor but you should check your spelling!. "what", "he's", "happiness" etc!.

www!.deviantart!.comWww@QuestionHome@Com

Very amateurish!. Bubblegum poetry as we call it!. It's like Barney the Dinosaur on Emo!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

touchingWww@QuestionHome@Com