Position:Home>Poetry> My new poem- "Awakening" - what do you think?
Question: My new poem- "Awakening" - what do you think!?
I heard a whisper in the dark!.
'Twas cloaked in damaged dreams!.
I could not fathom what it spoke
but that it spoke to me!.
The voice spoke, soft as snow,
with substance of the rain-
a quiet sort of cleansing,
assuage old pain!.
I realized, the message
was one, I felt, of peace-
but more than that- of love, of hope-
a first Awakening!.
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Just give me your thoughts on it!. Your interpretation, what it reminded you of!.!.!. something like that!. But please don't just say something like "OMG its amazing!" or "it stinks!." Give me details!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is pretty good!. The first stanza has an iambic meter, rather like a limerick, the rest is more free form, with hints of iambic meter mixed in with trochaic phrases!. I think you should break up the first stanza so that it matches the flow of the other two, or add to the those so they match the first!.
Some of the other things you do don't detract form readability as much, such as changing from past to present tense (spoke—assuage)!.
Overall, this is a good effort!. The message is clear and cleansing!. I really like that first stanza!. TDWww@QuestionHome@Com
You need to go deeper is my thought on this, you have the rythym and the idea but the emotion isn't there, there is nothing raw or personal about this poem!. You are to worried about making the rhyme fit, just close of your thoughts and let your soul write it!.
A poem is creation, bringing something insode of you so deep out into teh world, something that is uniquely you!. Search for that and your poems will become much more real!. Please write more though as it takes a long time to discover that part of yourselfWww@QuestionHome@Com
well, this is subject to the writer's interpretation! this is what i hear when i say it:
a whisper in the dark ( secret stuff )
damaged dreams ( lost to drugs )
what it spoke was what u didn't wanna hear ( truth )
spoke with the substance of the rain ( holy spirit )
and then the awakening that what you heard, the truth was something you were capable of doing!
That's what I get!
Nice PoemWww@QuestionHome@Com
Reading your poem I saw a seed from a perennial flowering
plant!.!.!.iris, daffoldil, heck even a dandelions!.!.!. The seed
is in the dark earth but Life / Springtime / the Eternal Summons to rise issues the clarion call which you (the Creator's seed) hear!. awake!.!.!.!. and grow in love and hope!. Fine poem :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
The first section was the best and then the second!. The last was still good, it just wasn't my favorite!. I really like the sentence "Twas' cloaked in damaged dreams"!. Very expressive and profound!. Please continue!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!!.!.I am left speechless!. I NEEDED to hear that poem this morning!. All I can say is that it provide peace in the eye of a storm for me!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I thought it was good and has a good structure to it!. The line "The voice spoke, soft as snow" I don't really like!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i love it!.
the imagry is really good and it flows really well!
good job!. =]Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like that a lot!. It's very pretty and imaginative!. Do you have any more poems!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sometimes I can tell someone what I think - sometimes I can only illustrate!. I like the fact that you seem to be experiencing awakening!. The following is how I would express an awakening in me!. You might express it differently!. What is important is you are open to awakening!. That opening allows the sun to dawn in you and the night is gone!.
If you wish to see how I read between the lines of your poem, read on!. And write it however you feel it says what you feel best!. Sometimes I keep writing a poem over and over with different variations!. That helps me clear out all the undergrowth so I can begin to appreciate the scenery!.
I heard a whisper in the dark,
Cloaked in damaged dreams!.
Where no words were spoken,
But its silence called so plainly to me!.
The voice was soft as snow,
And as cleansing as a spring rain-
That washed every word from my mind
And applied an invisible balm to assuage old pain!.
I realized then, the message was one
Teardrop of peace flowing down my cheek,
And in my heart, a stream of love,
And mind, a hope for dawn's first Awakening!.
----Www@QuestionHome@Com