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Question: My poem forgotten constructive crititisism!?
Have we all forgotten,
Children from the past!?
The ones that need help
The ones that don’t last
Were all so caught up
In the rich and in ourselves
We seem to forget
Those who need our help
What about the hurricane victims!?
The warriors who fell
What about the African children
That everyday, go through hell
If we all dwell on the future
We forget the now
One day there here
The next day gone some how
Covered up by the movie stars
And the news and the gossip
We forget to care
About people who aren’t there
Forgotten,
We never see
Replaced,
By us, the free
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
OK!. First things first:
"We're", not "Were"
If you don't actually want a pause, don't put a comma!. In your first stanza, i would take the comma after forgotten and stick it after help!.
Now for the poem itself!.
There are some minor issues with meter (rhythm) - make sure the lines follow the same pattern you set out with "Have we all forgotten/children from the past!?" The next lines don't match up with it, for starters!.
The diction is somewhat child-like and informal, which could work!. "From the mouths of babes", and all that!.
You might change "We're all so caught up" to "We all get so caught up"!.
Your rhyme scheme changes in your second to last stanza, and it's jarring!. Try something like, "Covered up by movie stars/The people who aren't there/Get drowned out by news and gossip/And we forget to care"
also I think the final stanza would sound better as "Forgotten,/Those we never see/Replaced,/By us, the brave, the free!." But that's mostly just my taste, it's fine as is too!.
You could make the diction a bit less chatty if you wanted, but other than that I think it's great! Conveys the message very well, and a great message it is!. Good grasp of meter and rhyme!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
In the fourth stanza "some how" should only be one word and the rhyme scheme is a little inconsistent!. Other than that I really like it! Its a great poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
that was awesome!! Great job 5 starts!Www@QuestionHome@Com