Position:Home>Poetry> Here are a few small poems of mine, please comment?
Question: Here are a few small poems of mine, please comment!?
what do you think of them!?
Black Moon
A blackened moon once was a relic
shon down a gleaming charm on silver lined sky
her years of glory, eclipsing, rotating, waiting
though shortening, shattering, soon to die!.
Hypnotized
Fixated by charm
mesmerized within
pretty azure eyes
you got me dreamin’
Play me
Like a instrument
My heart pounds out a rhythm,
Pluck on my heartstrings
And ill play you a song,
Damage my heart
You’ve already won,
No more pain can I feel
As the pain is undone,
No more will I open
My heart for another,
Mistakes I’ve learnt to accept
My feelings for you,
I will never forget!.
The Moon
Luminous moon
Enlighten the night
Twinkling stars
Glowing with light
Behind is the sun
Keeping it bright
Shining in darkness
It blazes alight!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
These are all pretty good! I like them!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Let me preface this by stating that I am not a writer nor a literary academic, so my opinions are to be taken with a grain of salt!.
Black Moon: "shon down a gleaming charm on silver lined sky" - I wouldn't use both 'shone' and 'gleaming' in the same line!. Your poems are concise and therefore every word should be necessary!. These two kind of make each other redundant!.
Hypnotized: again, the second line kind of feels like filler!.
Play Me: I think it would help the rhythm if you condensed the last two lines to one line with a similar meter to the previous line!.
The Moon: I like this one as it is!. I particularly like the astronomical truth of "Behind is the sun; Keeping it bright"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I disagree!. Not all are as good!. The Black Moon is too marvelous compared to the other three!. This is a poem full of various dramatic shades and tones that capture the figurative fate of the moon!. It reminds me of classical poetry chanted during Ancient Times to Diana and Artemis!.
Hypnotized has a different flavor altogether!. It has a structure and style that parallels a haiku!. However, it has a very cliched and anti-climactic ending!. Maybe you could work on that!. Play me is not as good!. But I do think it can be reworked to become a good bard song!. As for the last one, I think it is simply too literal - it gives nothing but what you read on the surface!. Not something a poem should be!.
1 out of 4!. Don't worry, the brilliant first poem eclipsed the shortcomings of the other three!. What this shows is that you do have the flexibility to write with different styles!. But I dare say, stick to the first one!. It's the best I've read from you so far!.
"With the rising curtains,
I hear the silence --
of roaring thunder
and broken darkness!.!.!."Www@QuestionHome@Com