Position:Home>Poetry> Any help on how to better Part III?
Question: Any help on how to better Part III!?
--Sin Seeker_
*Part III~
Motherly ways were worn as masks
She kissed them sweet then tucked away
Attempted memory laps, failed again
The past, to me, began to play
A virtues obsession turned to whore
For all the lust she held inside
Now I moved to wake the dead
Her long lost lust, she would not hide
My sword in hand and eyes set strait
I drew nigh to sleeping babe
Kissed them, holding back my hate
Knowing nightmares I’d soon raid
-the Father’s sins must be paid
The darker times are getting closer… would you help me bring it out!? Will you endure the night for the dawn at hand!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is so otherwordlly but also so corporeal in its imagery!. This leaves so much hanging by a slender thread!. It seems very ominous and spellbinding!. I am completely hooked!. For your storytelling power, I thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
One critique!. Laps, is spelled "Lapse," because I believe something is fading, not running around in circles many times over!. Funny how an "e" can change everything isn't it!? also, "strait" is spelled "straight", once again so that your message is not mixed!. You are moving in a singular direction, not going through a river and land formation such as the "Strait of Gibraltar!." Aside from that, this is a little more enigmatic than the first two, you might be wanting that, but I for one would like to see a little clearer into what precisely is going on!. However, I'm still hooked!. You did that much at least!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
"Laps" should probably be "lapse!."
"Virtues" should probably be "virtuous!."
"Strait" should probably be "straight!."
I can never tell with you!. You combine lousy spelling with brilliant and subtle artistry!. I'm always trying to figure which is which!. For me this weakens the impact!. It's like watching a Shakespearian play with all the actors in costume, and then I see one of them is wearing sneakers!.
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This is coming for someone who knows all too well of Motherly Masks!.!.!. I feel like these people deserved their death just as much as we all do!.!.!. I have been following the tale from the beginning (sorry for not answering all) and I see your point very clearly!.!.!. "There are none without sin"!.!.!. and yet I know that the silver lining is the Sin Seeker realising that it may not be her place to judge (assuming it is female)!. I may be projecting a lot even before you get there, but I am hoping this is your intent!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow this is totally awesome and i loved it so!.I always love to read your poetry as it's always thought provoking and so wonderful!.It always makes us think about the piece and the meanings!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I see very little hope for dawn!.!.!. but we are all in your hands, I trust you to keep us safe from the Sin Seeker!.!.!. Is the baby going to die!.!.!.!? *pout*Www@QuestionHome@Com