A rewrite of my very first poem at age 15...how can I improve it?

Question: A rewrite of my very first poem at age 15!.!.!.how can I improve it!?

Originally titled "Lily" I knew nothing of flower or poetry; only that it was supposed to rhyme!. I got an A+ for this which was the beginning of my love for poetry!.
Here is the origional:

Lily

She waited and waited
and found no mate
to spread her seed
across the land!.
Now, winter has come
and time has passed!.
The messanger came
to her at last!.
But, he was too late
to be her mate!.
As time went by,
she passed!.

Now the rewrite: (new name)

Flora

Lovers flit from flower to flower
ignoring flora's lusty dower!.
So, there she would wait, a lovely sight
wishing for her lover to alight
and spread her seed with April showers!.

She watches from her lofty bower
as Spring succumbs to Summer's power!.
but saw no messangers in thier flight!.
As Summer's sun begins to cower
Flora does mourn for her endless plight!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I'd just like to say first off, that you are the reason I visit Y!A, and this question is why!. I've been able to watch a true craft being developed in your writing!. The love and effort you put into your craft is my measuring stick of a true writer!. I am not that disciplined !. !. !. yet!.
My honest critique of your rewrite: The last lines of the second, third, and fourth stanzas were rhythm breakers for me (the way I read it)!. I may have been too rhythmic in my scanning, but, maybe just drop a syllable out of each of those lines!.
Example:
FLORa does / MOURN for HER / ENDless plight
The first and third foot are dactylic
"mourn for her" is like a foot and a half!.
Like I said -- that's how I scanned it!.
"Flora does" is definitely a dactyl foot though, so if you scanned it:
Flora does / mourn for / her end / less plight
that becomes hard to stress without tripping!. Same thing with the last lines in the third and fourth stanzas!.
I know your credentials, and I'm no professor or instructor on scansion, but I hope that was the kind of help you were looking for, because I don't know what else needs improved!.
And thanks for sharing your work!.
MixtliWww@QuestionHome@Com

A beautiful Quatern!. It's amazing to see the growth of poets on this site!. This shows, however, that poetry grows like the gifts of nature you love so much!. These poems have their genesis in childhood!. It is impossible to sit down and write a good poem without some background, knowledge and feeling for what poetry is!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

*bows to the lady*

Thank you again for the ongoing edification!. Never knew poetry could be so erotic!. Made me wonder what it would be like to be a flower!.!.!.!.vivid imagery, but then, I'm an artist, not a poet!. Please keep painting pretty word pictures for me!.

Think these two should always stay together!. You deserved the A+!.!.!.!.15, huh!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

How dare your teacher have given you a grade like that! It should have been an A++! Superb metaphors, alliteration worked its subtle charm as well!. I may not however look at a flower the same after this erotic and sensual romp through life in the eye of a flower! Well done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

hmppfff!!!!! I like the original one and the rewrite, as you say it, is excellent too)

but, a recommendation : just keep them both with their title and let them be original on their own!.

Write more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Absofreakinlutely awesome *^_^*

(man, I've some catchin' up ta do eh!?

<3Www@QuestionHome@Com

I may be biased - but I LIKED the original version the best - the one called LILY :-) Why consider them as "rewrites"!? How about just making them new poems and save Lily!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

I agree with Rey!. Quite romantic - but sad!. You were very precocious at 15!. Oh, my favorite line, which I adore, is: 'as Spring succumbs to Summer's power!.' It's pure music!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Lovely!.!.!.I can't get over the girl wanting to spread her seed across the land!.!.!. the 15 year old boys all wish they knew this!.

The grown-up Mommy version is very different, beautiful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think It`s quite amazing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Beautiful!. There are some tiny problems with verb tense - in the second stanza, "watches" and "saw" need to agree ("sees") - but other than that, it is wonderfully written!.

I'm glad you decided to expand upon the original poem, although the original has charm in it simplicity!. But in the newer version, the comparisons and metaphor much more distinct, and it's very clear what the subject is, while the first poem keeps it vague (although that's not necessarily bad - in fact, the vagueness emphasizes the metaphor because the reader is unsure whether Lily is a flower or a girl)!. Great imagery, as well!. Well done!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I'll have to go pull my first poem out from 16 (I think)!. I will tell you one thing now your 15 year old poem was so much better--well done!.

I like the new poem too for different reasons!.!.!.my favorite part of it is when you mention love's ability to scour!.!.!.that was very interesting (and true)!.

Very nice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like both of these poems - your were certainly precocious at 15, I'm not surprised you got an A+

The second version is completely different - it is fuller and richer and more erotic!.
My only criticism, and this is just a pet hate of mine, is the use of 'do' or 'does' or 'did' in lines of poetry!.
(you have two spelling mistakes in one line -messenger and their - and messenger in the original, as well, just noticed)
You have done magnificently in maintaining the rhyme scheme throughout AND keeping the sense of what you are saying!.
Well done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I love them both, and I will say that your skill for writing has only blossomed and gotten stronger!. Thank you for sharing both with us, the bud and the blossom!. But what matters most is the beauty, and that is what you are, Sptfyr, painting pictures, encourating poets, and making the world a more beautiful place!. Worry not that you will wither too soon, my amaranth!.Www@QuestionHome@Com