Position:Home>Poetry> Just a quick one............any comments...........?

Hmm i really liked the beginning but then i got to the ending and well the ending was just i don't know it just didn't fit the poem!.
Now keep in mind here i do NOT want to rewrite your poem and I'm not trying to either but this is the ending i can up with!.!.!.!.

Another sleepless night!.
My sleep eludes me,
as it fools me!.
Thoughts running wild!.
Too much on my mind!.!.!.
But there's something that I find
A thought!?
A memory!?
A dream!?!.!.!.!.!.
Over and Over
What can it be!?
I guess I'll wait and see!.
But as i wait i dream other dreams
think other thoughts
as still the sleepless night goes on!.

remeber NOT trying to rewrite your poem it's just a thought so please don't get ticked kay!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

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can you describe the torment of a person who is sleepless like you are taking a photo of them!?

what does that sleeplessness look like!?

what spiritual forces may be at work,
what does the person's face appear like
what is happening to their body!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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i also think you should try writing from another person's view!. tell them how she looks and how she becomes tangled in the sheets!. i liked the beginning, but your ending needs to be rewritten!. very nice though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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It seems to lack direction, more a series of statements!. Maybe redirect to concentrate on why more!. Just a thought!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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You were very redundant in the first 2 sentances!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Your simple statement of a common occurrence is in no way worthy of being called poetry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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hmm i think i like it!. i love the word eludes!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Very nice!. I too have this problem!. You srite well and I enjoy it very muc!. good workWww@QuestionHome@Com

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