Position:Home>Poetry> Once again, I don't know what to think. How do I improve this?
Question: Once again, I don't know what to think!. How do I improve this!?
Become the Poet
My friend, forget the wages of the world,
the debt that all men must pay will not last!.
Stand up tall, with your rebel flag unfurled,
mortality is the price of the past!.
Believe that a new dawn won't be denied,
believe that we can always alter life!.
Do not let your true heartsong be defied,
your drum beats unto passion, not to strife!.
Fling wide your arms, embracing former bane!
Open your heart to dance among the night,
rush out into the drenching, pouring rain,
let loose poetic wings and take your flight!.
We will not be defined by perception,
Words are oft a smokescreen, a deception!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Nice Sonnet!.!.!.smooth meter!.
A couple minor points:
I would be tempted to remove the punctuation from your final line replacing "a" with "for"!. The pause for the comma feels a bit off!.
Some wonderful lines and ideas here:
"the debt that all men must pay will not last" (awesome)
"mortality is the price of the past!." (great idea)
"believe that we can always alter life!." (love it)
"Do not let your true heartsong be defied," (Stirring)
There were other good lines but those were the ones that really stood out!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
that was a great poem!
I can't think of a way to improve it!.!.!.
Maybe on the second line you could have won't last, rather than will not, for some reason it sounds better with one less syllable, don't you think!?
I don't really know!.
But it's a really beautiful poem! You should be proud, i love it, and the messages it's giving!. =]Www@QuestionHome@Com
Someone copied me that what you said to DP!. I have whiskey older than you!. Come by and we will drink some!. RB
I spent the day demonstrating my character!. He did the same!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You might make it better if you signed my name to it, but since everyone knows my sonnets are the pits (that's why I don't do them) then no one would believe it were mine anyways!. Besides, you are better at them than I!. Just leave it like it is!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Your questions are getting redundant since critiquing something so well laid out it an exercise in futility!. If you want to try something different, cut one half the words out!.!.!.but wait, that is your normal style!. Well said, perhaps someone will comprehend!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Profound, courageous!. Kudos!
A topic I work on!. How can we not at this time!.
"Believe we can always alter life" Life's what!?
Strife, confusion, Just seems we can't alter life as a total!.
Just a thought!. I am yet a minor!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Don't improve it!. It is good as it is!. I find it elating, especially after all I read today!. I also read your answer and found it very brave!.
"Fling wide your arms, embracing former bane!" I love this line!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You know what I think!? I think that is a beautiful piece of poetry!. Don't do anything to it!. It is amazing just the way it is!. Excellent job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
This has been a bizarre day!. I feel soothed by your poem as it carries a universal, not a specific message!. Your last two verses are a cry of triumph and I echo them!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very different than your usual!.!.!. I like the change but always go back, in some way, to your origins!.!.!. i love seeing these different sides of you though!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I love this!
These two lines really really were amazing:
believe that we can always alter life!.
Do not let your true heartsong be defied,Www@QuestionHome@Com
i really like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Nice, nice, nice *pokes chest out* I'm proud to be a poetist!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com