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Question: Part 9!. How can I improve this!?
Road to Paradise part IX
"Put me DOWN, dammit!"
I swore, shoving at the
rock hard arms
that held me!.
I had enough
of not being
under my own power!.
With a!.!.!.longsuffering!?
smile, Pain set me
on my feet!.
"What do you think
you are doing!?"
I demanded!. "Carrying me
away from Love!?"
He lowered his eyes!.
"I did not,
as you say,
take you from him!.
Did you not notice
your Dreams,
siphoning him away!?"
CRACK!
I slapped him
across his haunting face!.
"Don't tell me,"
I spat,
"you don't deserve it!."
"I'm sorry,"
he answered,
"I follow my nature!.
I follow this road,
I follow you!."
"I never wanted you!."
I said, cutting half moons
into my palm!.
"As if I didn't know!."
he answered!.
"I am not blind,
nor foolish, nor ignorant,
but I am faithful,
and I will carry out
my purpose!.
Now, look, new guides
await you!."
I swerved from him
and saw,
twins with gleaming eyes!.
One took my hand!. "Welcome!."
"Who are you!?" the immortal question!.
"Oh, I'm Jealousy,"
said the one with golden eyes!.
"That's Spite!."Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Do you sleep much!? Production city you!. lol Please, dazzle some more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
So effective is the device of personifying your emotions, that I forgot that you were doing it!.
There was one word that broke the spell for me - "siphoning!." I don't know why!. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with it, but it did distract me!.
*****Www@QuestionHome@Com
Once again, I am taken aback and on the edge of my seat waiting for the next part!. The depictions of the various guides are so real, so powerful!. I am enjoying this epic so much!. You are a master!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds like there is a glimmer of hope and strength in this one!. Off to the next :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well I just read all ten parts!.!.!.excellent!.
I love your use of repetition in this one:
"I follow my nature!.
I follow this road,
I follow you!."Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's great the way it is!.
Really good!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I can hear them!.!.!. in my mind!.!.!. they are talking to me and I am the girl on the journey!.!.!. where do I go next!?Www@QuestionHome@Com