Position:Home>Poetry> Okay, since I'm dishin' it out, it's time to take some, tell me what
Question: Okay, since I'm dishin' it out, it's time to take some, tell me what you all think!?
Just a snippet,
A world so much better than this
and in the morn I will not miss
But to my morning breath so stagnant
I remember just a fragment
Still reeling from a cliffside fall
Or a pink polka dotted mall
Sometimes I'm filled with great suspense
But most don't make a bit of sense
I've faced within my darkest fears,
And friends I haven't seen in years
But sometimes I can hear God speak
And things I've seen has made me shriek
Mom even comes to visit me
Though years ago she was set free
Hugs me tight and tells me "Son,
I see the person you've become"
And makes me ache at same old thoughts
That I had long ago forgot
And ones I love that hold my heart
We'll hold hands and never part
We kiss as though it were real life
Eons from our pain and strife,
It all feels like it won't end
Until the morning comes again
Two questions:
Did you like it!?
What am I talking about!?
Please be nice, I'm emotionally unstable
but don't feed me $hit covered in sugarcaneWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You're such a poet: emotionally unstable & angry!--lol
I like it but it needs a bit of tweaking!. I think some of your line needs expansion!. You raise Q's that are left unasnwered!., i!.e!.
4th line--what is the fragment remembered!?
9th line--I'm a little confused by your wording--are the friends on the following line part of your fears!?
17th line--And makes me ache!.!.!.!.is that Mom who's doing that or you to yourself!?
also try to insert some punctuation so we know where to go with your words, grab their impact!. And tighten up your rythym better!.
Hope I didn't make you angrier, hehehehe!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's interesting, sounds like the hangover of an alcoholic grieving over the past instead of making the present and future better!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I REALLY LIKE IT AND TALKING ABOUT A BETTER TOMORROWWww@QuestionHome@Com
its pretty gd yea i liked it, you commited suicide long ago!. and now your with those you love!.Www@QuestionHome@Com