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Question: What issues does this bring up!?
Hear the ticking of the time bomb
Tick ticking
Away
Walk out the door you say “goodbye mom”
She’s heard all your
“I’ll be Okays’”
But the march is on and you
Have yet to see destructions reign
Watch the wrath of two nations
Hounding at each others heels
They scream at one another
“Here it comes”
Your breath it steals
But now you’re not sure
If mother will ever see
Your face again
She has wondered here to save us
We won’t listen only mock
Have we heard her!?
Cries of wisdom
Oh, mother
Mother
Do not abandon him
All the times you went out on the trail
Your father showed you the ropes
Now you’re staring down the throat of hell
You’ve forgotten all you hope
He will mourn you and your honor
But is this honor
For his glory
He has ever been faithful to watch
But we think he’s not there
All he’s wanted is to save us
Oh, father
Our father
Do not abandon your sonWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Yes, it does have some valuable things to say about war!. I would be honoured to have a son who thought as deeply as you obviously do!.
Now for the nasty part!.
There are minor blemishes in the poem- don't hate me for this!
destructions reign - destruction, would be better
The rhythm of the poem doesn't always flow as well as it might!.
For example!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
Watch the breath of two nations!.
- my suggestion Watch the breath of sundry nations (or any other suitable two syllable word)
(Try reading your version and then mine, to see what I mean)
There are other instances of this which reading aloud will pick out for you!.
Another suggestion!. If you don't want to use punctuation, what about using capitals for the start of sentences and continuing lines (within the sentence) being in lower case!?
eg
But now you're not sure
if mother will ever see
your face again
She has!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
The reader will soon pick up on what you are doing, and it will help them to understand where one phrase ends and another begins!.
Please take these suggestions as constructive, and not negative criticism!. I know from having been on the receiving end, that it can be hurtful - but that is far from my intention!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I see the father God and the goddess, Wisdom!.!.!. it is about the war but from a Whispers' point of view!. It seems rebellious and yet caring!.!.!. the correlation between mothers of soldiers and fathers and the God and His Feminine form are spectacular!.!.!. I think you are become one of many rants against the issues we now face!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
There are so many unbelievably wonderful lines in this poem! It was quite overwhelming to read, very sensitive and emotionally charged!. It has some important things to say, as well, about the war and life and faith!. I think one very telling part of the poem is:
But is this honor
For his glory
I think this is outstanding!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow thats magnificent
very moving , it made me think so much
thank youWww@QuestionHome@Com