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Question: Will you critique my poem about our Earth!?
Sorry, this is my third time posting, but I think I am finally pleased!. Constructive criticism is appreciated, I would like to grow as a poet and can only do so with your honest critique!.
I sit upon this windy shore!.
Salty air I inhale,
into my nose,
into my mind!.
Waves perform
a graceful dance!.
Water crashes
angst released,
upon rocks
a million years old!.
Intoxifying beauty,
sweeping emotions,
regretful tears,
enchanting laughter,
the sounds of my Earth
I recall in my mind!.
Why, I wonder,
was I so blessed!?
Running my fingers
through grainy sand,
as beautiful and pure
as my soul,
as I lay here upon her!.
Am I worthy!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
OK, you have completed the next step, you have stripped its excesses and boiled it down to the central idea!. Next, the hard part, is making it rhythmic!.
"I sit upon this windy shore" is a good iambic line!. Then the next three lines are free form!. Try to make the meter linger!. It does not have to be rock solid throughout!. It simply needs to be a faint drum beat in the background!.
"I sit upon the windy shore
Inhaling salty air
My nose explores
My mind compares
My heart, it does not care!.!.!."Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is a much better version, but the other two were beautiful as wellWww@QuestionHome@Com
it's pretty good i like itWww@QuestionHome@Com
wow thats pretty good!. i really like thatWww@QuestionHome@Com
its good i like itWww@QuestionHome@Com
Hi Juliette,
I will be happy to give you a critique as long as you remember that it's just one person's opinion and nothing more!. Okay here we go with the quick comments (use what works ignore what doesn't):
L1: You could cut "I sit"
L4: You could drop "into"
L5: You could cut "perform"
L8: You could cut "angst" the image doesn't necessarily bring this thought!. It is a little too abstract and unconnected!. Sometimes it's good enough to know what you were feeling when you wrote the line without telling the reader!. In my opinion it reads better without "angst"!.
L11-14: These lines are problematic because they are abstract and not sensory!. I would consider tactile images here instead!. Notice what happens if you simply cut the lines and read the poem without them (it reads well though ultimately I'm suggesting substitutions instead of cuts, but your call)!.
L17: You could cut "I wonder" You have some options with the line break or whether you want to combine L17 and L18!. You could also choose to cut the introspective question entirely!.!.!.again whatever you like best!.
L19-22: I like the grainy sand image!. This entire sequence is good!.
L23: To me this is your true ending and it is an excellent one!.
L24: I don't think ending on a question here causes as much reflection as simply ending with "as I lay here upon her!." My instinct is to cut it!.
I know that these might seem like excessive revision suggestions but give it some thought!.
It has good possibilities!. I hope some of this was helpful!.
Best,
ToddWww@QuestionHome@Com