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Question: What do you think of my poem and how can I better improve it!?
Sometimes I just want to wish away everything
A dream…!.it can’t come true
And that’s exactly why it’s a dream
Who am I to ask this of you!?
You look at me with contempt
Come to me with false preempt
Why do you make promises if you can’t keep them!?
It’s my problem, mine alone
I don’t want your pity, if you’ve come to condone
You’re always so quick to help others
That you often forget yourself
You say that I’m too full of myself
But you fail to realize
You possess the very characteristics you despise
You admit your strong sense of duty (bound to one path)
That you’re envious of my indecision, a fork in the road, the old adage
But when did being so free, feel so caged!?
Please and thank you :)
I hope it doesn't sound too angsty, by the way!. I didn't mean for it in that way at all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Some suggestions:
1!. If you choose to use rhyme then stick to a pattern!. Your use of an inconsistent rhyme pattern contributes to your poem's "angsty" feel!.
2!. Don't stretch for a rhyme: contempt/preempt!. A rhyme should not draw undo attention!. The word preempt is likely to cause your reader to stop and run for a dictionary (that is if they don't decide to stop reading your poem)!. Ideally, you should not notice the rhyme!.
3!. Have a through line !. !. !. a central idea/image throughout the poem!. Consider the sunshine in the following adapted poem by Joey:
Gray skies
Clouded mind
Waiting for the sun to shine
The ground is hard,
A concrete chair,
To sit on heaven’s yard
A boy I’ve seen,
With eyes of green,
And skin so freckled fair!.
He turns to me,
To share my chair,
Upon its high degree!.
A final lift,
His token gift,
Minted at the site!.
The foreign key,
My heart alight
Sunshine inside of me
And I depart,
From where we start,
The sunshine we share!.
The ground is hard,
Our concrete chair,
To sit on heaven’s yard
Notice how the poem begins with a "broken" rhyme scheme which was used on purpose to help reinforce the image of a clouded mind!. Look at the transition to an aabcbc rhyme scheme and how this reflects her feelings about the green eyed boy!. Now consider the meaning of the word sunshine!. Did the rhyme scheme help you to understand the poem better!?
4!. Remember the K!.I!.S!.S!. principle: Keep It Simple Stupid!.
Hope these suggestions help!. Your poetry will get better with time!. Good luck!.
P!.S!. You might look at just me's poems!. She uses rhyme in her poems!. Look at what works and what doesn't work!. Follow this link:
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/my/profile;_ylt!.!.!.
Click on questions and take a look!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The only way to improve your writing is to do much more writing!. Experience is the greatest teacher!. Poetry is suppossed to flow out of you and not to sound like it was manufactured in a factory!. I would of course read other poems and use them to inspire you and teach you what great poetry is!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
not bad!.!.!.!.I think that as long as you write from your heart!.!.!.you will improve with selecting the most descriptive word or words appropriate for that line!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com