Re-written using Elysabeth's edits and my own. Better.?

Question: Re-written using Elysabeth's edits and my own!. Better!.!?

"win, place,show"

What else
can I do!.
What to say!.
Taught myself to love
you!.
Never looking right at me!.
What have I done to you,
I have tried my best!.
Left me all alone,
symbol of my lust,
fills your eyes and ears!.
I was so distant,
placing second in your heart!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

This is much nice! I love the little break from L4 to L5!. TDWww@QuestionHome@Com

Hi Steve,

Hey a couple quick points (take 'em, leave 'em--just suggestions):

L2 and L3: Probably end with question marks instead of periods!.

L5: I would consider dropping the period so that the reader flows with less of a full stop into line 6!.!.!.it's a nice layering effect that way!.

L6: I like it as it is!.!.!.with the staccato rhythm you are going for you may want to try a break after "right" (because it's interesting)!.

L7: If you want to go for a similar structure to L4-5 you could introduce a break after "done"

Okay now this final change may just be me but I'm wondering if it sounds better taking your final lines and moving them around like so:

Left me all alone,
symbol of my lust,
fills your eyes and ears,
placing second in your heart!.
I was so distant,

Just my thoughts man--nice poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Line of "Taught myself to love you" - I have been going on the assumption that if you have to "teach" yourself to love someone - then it really is not true love!?!?
Line - "Never looking right at me" - maybe explains that she was not attracted to you!?!?
Line - "What have I done to you" - maybe you did nothing wrongWww@QuestionHome@Com

i like it but i dont know what Elysabeth's edits mean is that another poet and win ,place ,show is that the name
win,place ,show!? thats original i like thatWww@QuestionHome@Com

This is fabulous, and so different coming from you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

yadaca yadaca yadaca!. why can't people just enjoy!? i did!.Www@QuestionHome@Com