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Question: Will you Comment Please!?
The ballroom was beautiful
It had such an elegant feel
And the Ivory Grand piano was so classy
As I look through the crowd
She catches my eye
She has a long form fitting black dress
It has spaghetti straps, but reveals her back
With open toe heels that lace up to the calf
Her smile can not be rivaled
I walk up to her and ask her to dance
She says yes and leads me towards the floor
I notice some dust on her behind
I go to wipe it off and!.!.!.!.!.
*SLAP*
And storms off
So much for a gentleman helping a womanWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
haha!.!.!.an unexpected ending that made me laugh
I dont know why, but when I got to that part it reminded me of the scene in the club from the movie "Save the Last Dance" where the guy walks past Chenille and grabs her bottom and she grabs him back in his special spotWww@QuestionHome@Com
You switch from past to present tense for no good reason!. The verb form "feel" certainly is not used elegantly here, try "feeling!." The "but" after straps implies that the revelation is unusual, rather than the normal!. It's not the heels that are laced but the shoes!. And so the action, coming from one so lacking in literary ability and good taste, is not surprising, nor is her reaction!. The only thing surprising is that you think you are both a gentleman and a poet!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
First correct the grammatical errors, which glare twice as much in a 'poem!.'
also, problem with parallelism - sudden shift in tone from rather pedestrian description of a room and a faceless she to 'dust' and her 'behind' - rather vulgar and without giving reader any reason for it!. Not logical!.
Lacks evocative language to suggest and show the scene rather than simply and not musically in any way TELLING us - a breach of the cardinal rule of poetry http://pokerpulse!.com/news/viewtopic!.php!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Reminds of prose or something you'd read in novel in verse rather than a stand alone poem--the language of poetry is concentrated!.!.!.this is prose arranged poetically, not a poem per se!.
Still intriguing and I enjoyed reading!.!.!.!. the ending had some wit!. But if you are writing a poem you don't need to be married to typical sentence structure which you are using in this!. Branch out, add some imagery, cut out the fat!.!.!.
Good luck with your writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Nice imagery, but I think it could use some work!. For example instead of using I, me, her, she, etc so often try to find other words or ways to say the same thing (ie The ballroom was beautiful!.!.!. such an elegant feel)!.
Tighten it up a bit and you've got a great piece on your hands!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
awwww!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. she slaped you!? that must have hurt!. you okay!? you should have casually mentioned the dust to her, though, and not just try to wipe it off!. that was her butt!. anyway, that was good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Her name was not by any chance Lola, was it!?
http://www!.youtube!.com/watch!?v=IMsnqQHOw!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Nice imagery, but what did you expect!? LOL!Www@QuestionHome@Com
did u have to go to the doc cause of that slap im sure u live!.
nice poem i loved it!? will u write more like this !? plzzzzWww@QuestionHome@Com