10 pts....I share my poem you critique it?

Question: 10 pts!.!.!.!.I share my poem you critique it!?

Layla's Poem

Here with you, with you,
strolling with a crowd,
When it's just us two,
Thinking only about now!.

For you made me renew
emotions that were gone,
Together with you I knew
is where I now belong!.

Now with you, with you
these worries slip away,
And when we're led askew
We'll always find a way!.

Today I know it's true,
You made me fall again,
And you're the one who
these feelings will stay!.

Since with you, with you,
You make anything better
Ahead my skies are blue
Because we're together!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

"And you're the one who
these feelings will stay!."

doesn't sound like enough syllables there compared to the rest of the poem!. Doesn't seem to make much sense also!. How about:

"Today I know it's true,
You made me fall again,
And you're the one with who
These feelings shall remain"

--------------------------------------!.!.!.

"Here with you, with you,
strolling with a crowd,
When it's just us two,
Thinking only about now!."

This part doesn't make much sense to me!. Maybe:

"Here with you, with you,
strolling with a crowd,
It seems like just us two,
For thats all that matters now!."

Hope this helps!. The rest seems fine to meWww@QuestionHome@Com

I like the poem I think it's sweet albeit slightly corny!.

A few points I don't like though:

The repeated 'with you' feels out of place and makes the poem sound a bit like a boyband ballad!.

also the rhyme scheme changes all the time which I don't like!. I do like the second to last stanza where it changes but its the other stanzas where it goes from ABAA to ABAB!. I feel like it doesn't fit!.

Apart from that I really like it!. You don't have to listen to me because everyone views poems differently thats just my personal opinion!.

Hope I helped!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think it is a really sweet poem and it makes me smile!. It's not really corny as it is not so much about someone else as about your feelings with the other person I like the "with you, with you" It's a relationship poem as opposed to a love poem which makes it better, to me anyway!. I LIKE ITWww@QuestionHome@Com

awww! this is a really sweet poem!. the only thing i have a problem with, (wow! i have a problem with something!?)
is when you said, 'Today i know it's true'
i don't like it so much!. it seems so!.!.i don't know, bland!? that's not very nice to say, but, it's just my opinion!. i think you could change it to something deeper, something better than just flat out saying 'i know it's true!.' i don't really have any suggestions right now, I'm totally on writer's block, but, good luck! =]SarahWww@QuestionHome@Com

Yeah, it sweet but sorta corny at the same time!. Plus theres too much rhyming for my liking, poems I usually like have some rhyming but make room for meaningful sentences with no rhyming, thats what seperates a poem from a song, so it dosen't have to rhyme!.

i still liked it though :) made me smileWww@QuestionHome@Com

I think it's alright!. Sounds a little dull and lacks any real inherent influence on the emotion!.

Try to sound less redundant by taking out the second "with you" in every other stanza!.

Use more descriptive imagery to describe love in the way you know it and feel it--don't generalize!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I would take out the repeated "with you" All the way down, I also Would take out I knew in the 2nd verse!. Maybe try using You Make me (2nd verse) instead of you made me!.
I think it sounds better this way !. See what you think!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I love the message!. It's beautiful! Pure poetry!
TIPS:
1!. U should try 2 make it more flowy!. It sounds sort'of choppy if u know wat I mean!. 2!. also, if ur tryin 2 make it rhym, some of the words dont really rhym aswell as others do!.

Besides that, GREAT JOB!Www@QuestionHome@Com

mmm your right it is a little bit corney!. I think your very close to cracking it though and when u do i think itl be a killer!. I thought that the repitition of "with you, with you" needs to be stronger, somehow!.

Over all a great start, good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

dude, as an acclaimed writer, I have to tell you!.!.!. That poem blows donkey shaft!.!.!. Seriously!.!.!. Read what you're saying!.!.!. Don't be such a pussy, chicks will walk all over you!.!.!. You have to be an asshole to every one of them!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

nope, i think it's great!. not corny at all, kinda sounds like a song too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's really not so corny!. Not to me at least!. It's a hope-filled poem about love that is steadfast!. I really like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think it is very nicely written and eloquent!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

it's nice and cute since the sentences are short but meanings are deep!. however the english sounds funny, u might wanna work on the grammar and allWww@QuestionHome@Com

It isn't corny, it's cute!.
Seems like it's about you and someone special!.
I like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

That poem is why mass murder is not so bad!.Www@QuestionHome@Com