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Position:Home>Poetry> Another poem, what do you think, constructive critiscism only please!!not harshQuestion: Another poem, what do you think, constructive critiscism only please!!not harsh either!? The cold steely blade
Mocking me in the half light The feel of the razor as it Caresses my fleshy skin The addiction of a lifetime The rush of adrenaline As the blood runs down Like a spurt of relief The short lived rush Ends with a bitter feeling Replaced by sheer hate At what I do to ease the pain Darkness takes over me As I slowly slip away Into the whirling vortex Of a deep black abyssWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: i already told you i liked this one, whats with the mood :-$Www@QuestionHome@Com I disagree with the rest, i think its generic qualities, highlight its unorthodox lack of metaphors in an emotive poem portraying insanity!. However because of this i think that the 'Into the whirling vortex, Of a deep black abyss' metaphor doesn't fit, as it is unkeeping with the rest of the text!. instead you should make the lines but make the whirling vortex less ambiguous, i!.e!. add 'of ironic pleasures' on the end of 'Into the whirling vortex' (Into the whirling vortex of ironic pleasures,) But other wise good!Www@QuestionHome@Com "fleshy skin"!? maybe redundant!? the poem seems a bit too obvious for my personal preference!. and for its subject, the poem lacks a certain 'shock!' that i'd like to see!.Www@QuestionHome@Com "fleshy skin" through me for a loop as well!. pretty good, a little boring, somehow, shockingly!. The next to last stanza is genious!. The last one, I dont understand!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Contact the Samaritans, quick!.Www@QuestionHome@Com agree with first dude- too obvious- what you'd write in your journal is not a good poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com This poem is well written, there are a few places that may need to be changed!. I agree with the others about the "fleshy skin" part!. It is redundant!. Maybe just say, "Caresses my skin," or "Caresses my flesh!." I also agree regarding the metaphor of the last two lines, maybe just end the poem with "Into the whirling vortex!." To help it not sound like a journal entry as others have said, maybe take out the "I's," "me's," and "my's!." It would look/sound like this: The cold steely blade Mocking in the half light The feel of the razor as it Caresses the skin/flesh The addiction of a lifetime The rush of adrenaline As the blood runs down Like a spurt of relief The short lived rush Ends with a bitter feeling Replaced by sheer hate At what is done to ease the pain Darkness takes over Slowly slipping away Into the whirling vortex Just some suggestions, it is your poem, do what you will!. Keep Writing!. *snaps*Www@QuestionHome@Com |