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Position:Home>Poetry> Is this better? Yes, no, maybe so?Question: Is this better!? Yes, no, maybe so!? The stars offer guidance;
only they can light her way!. The ground on which she walks, only brings her down!. Perhaps it's 'cause of them, most others on the Earth!. She's moved by the gold in the sky, they by the gold in their pockets!. So for now, her eyes are fixed above, she can't convince them to dream amongst the beauty!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: It is better, but still needs editing!. My personal opinion is that informal language should not be used in serious poetry!. For example: She's, can't!. also you have used the word "only" twice in a short stanza!. The image "her eyes are fixed above" is also confusing!. I see them staring down at me rather than looking up!. This is in no way an attempt to denigrate your effort!. The concept of the poem is excellent: the gold of nature vs!. possessions, where "gold" is used as a metaphor!. I would work on it a bit more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com There is not much of change in the meaning when we compare this with the one you posted sometime ago!.!.!. the last line is better than the one you used earlier!.!.!.!.'the dream amongst the beauty' is more poetical than 'to dream upon them also' and what about changing the line 'most others on the earth' to 'the others scattered here on earth'!.!.!.!.!.it is just a suggestion!.!.!.and i think the subject gets a projection then!.!.!. that's all!.!.!.!.!.it's a very good poem!.!.!.very well written!Www@QuestionHome@Com Sher, Sher, Sher, I have no clue how to critique poems, but this one reads differently than the previous!. I like both, but if I had to choose, I'd say the previous!. Just because of the imagery!.Www@QuestionHome@Com It's great!. It brings an interesting occurrence upon someones mind in which attracts the minds of many people!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Decisions decisions, I too enjoyed both!. May be study the stars tonight and sleep on the choice 'til tomorrow!. Neat to know both are well liked, huh!. Pleasent dreams for later!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I missed the first one Sher but, this is very precious my friend *^_^* Loved the structure too <3Www@QuestionHome@Com its definitely romantic!.but!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com i do like this one better!. it offers a lot!. make ya think too!. very nice!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Wow!! Nice Sher!!! Then again, your poems always are!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com |