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Question: Is this a better version of the the one previously posted!?
Her eyes are fixed
while on this journey,
to the stars above!.
The ground on which she walks,
only brings her down!.
But how could a terrain,
so soft and so delicate
as the one beneath her feet
possibly cause her to ache!?
Is it because of the others,
who carved their pretentious ideas
into it's fertile soil!?
She wonders,
as she walks alone!.!.!.
how could they be so blind,
did society take their eyes!?
Or perhaps their eyes are still intact,
it's their emotion that's been stolen!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I liked the first one!. I like this also!. Both are somewhat different!? Critique would be restating some things to see if they work better for flow such as your second stanza that could be reworded as :
But how could terrain,
so soft and delicate,
and beneath her feet!.!.!.
cause such ache!?
Remember that one does not need to make complete sentences to convey a thought or keep a rhyme!. Your next stanza is really a sentence!. Could you not reword to keep the flow and thought with fewer words!? Something like this perhaps:
Because of others,
pretentious carvers
of their ideas!.!.!.
in this soil so rich!?
Each of us have our own voice!. That is how I would say it!. Is it right!? No, because it is nothing more than my interpretation!. Your voice is the one that will be right!.
My training is not formal but I do find that most of what I write needs revisiting many times to tweak!. The mighty oak poem from this morning started as one idea 30 years ago and developed into the lines I penned this past week!. Even the word "facade" started as steel sword, wall, stone wall, steel wall and finally facade!. Your poem is well sprouted, don't be afraid to take time to prune and eventually is will be the gem it deserves to be!. I am cautious about giving critique because first I am not a technician and second, I am always unsure of what the writer is willing to hear!. If I have offended you by this I certainly do apologize!. It was not my intention!. You have a great voice, let it sing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You're getting there, but are you on the journey or are "her eyes!." I think you have a dangling participle here!. I'm also wondering about the stanza division; I would make them a bit more consistent!. I'm still confused about the metaphor of eyes which you use in stanzas 1, 5 and 6!. Perhaps it is me, but the imagery is just not coming through!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i like the whole idea and everything about it!. however, when i came to the last line, i was stuck and kept thinking it needed to be revised a bit!. instead of their emotion that's been stolen, try "their emotion that's been peddled" ~ like, sold!.
since, society is ALL about money nowadays!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
both are good!. they are very different; this one goes deeper into the woman's thoughts!.
my favourite part is still!.!.!.
"The ground on which she walks,
only brings her down"
i don't think i can give any contructive advice on this!. there may be room for improvement, but atm i can't see it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I didn't see the first, but this one is great!. I saw the whole thing happen!. I personally like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com