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Question: What helpful critique can you offer for this poem!?
All the thinking runs
Like paint down a watercolour
Canvas on a frame
Shading and forming, absorbing
At will
By design or in random, ad hoc
As is life
Splashes of inspiration dribble
And spread
Accidental image from subconscious
Purpose displays its meaning or not
For the eye to behold what is there
Or in absence obvious
Who is to say the connection is broken
For it may be that the innocent eye
Might encounter and feel and discover
Before the expert arrives at the usual point
All the thinking runs but it cannot hide
The world knows in part and
Can search at will for fullness
All knowledge being accessible
More than ever to those of basic ignorance
We know ourselves less as our minds evolve
Making way for the bypasses around the soul
As the search for the perfect thought continues…Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
i follow it, but am left wanting more at the end!.
can you extend and add a couple thoughts about:
"We know ourselves less as our minds evolve"
i feel you have so much more attention you need to give to the mind evolving!. it ends way too fast with 'the perfect thought'!. and the perfect thought must be left "unanswered", so you circle back to the beginning of the poem - wait - i did that wrong!. but it seems to be circular in thought, that's all!.
but JMHO!. good luck and best to you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You need a title to set this up!. I also did not like the last line!. You go to great lengths describing how patterns come together and evolve then you veer to the last stanza!? The canvas metaphor with water colors was great!. To me why not stay on that track!. There is indeed randomness in thought, explore that more!. You have a great start!. A perfect thought!? To me all thoughts carry some baggage!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is very very good!.
There are only a couple things that I would change, in order to make it communicate more freely to the reader!.!.!.!.!.!.
First-----"dribble"!.!.!.!.!.that has to go!. It clangs against the mind's ear!. You need to find a word that is more like the rest of the poem, having an almost musical quality to it!.
Second, When you get to the second verse, you need to begin to wind it down!. The poem is very full, very expansive!. And that's fine!. But poetry, like music, needs to have dynamics!. If a poem is ALL full and expansive, it begins to be overwhelming, sometimes even boring!.
Just drawing back for a few lines would have worked, then you could come back again!. Think of it as ebb and flow, like an ocean!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I identified with the 'expert', not the innocent eye, so I shll not comment unitl you have your fill of the innocent!. I'm a little behind andyway and I want to see what you think of those first!.
"We know ourselves less as our minds evolve!."Www@QuestionHome@Com
great use of adjectivesWww@QuestionHome@Com
nice one with deep thoughts!.i like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like the metaphor and the imagery of paint dripping over a pristine surface!. As an artist, I have used the technique of wetting paper, then applying watercolors and allowing them to flow and find their way down the surface, making their own shapes!. However, neither I nor any other artist I know, applies watercolors to canvas!. Have you seen that done!? If you have, consider if it is done with sufficient frequency that the term "watercolor canvas" would be generally accepted as valid!.
Other than that problem, the poem reads well for me until the line break!. Then you insert a cliche that I find jarring and follow it with lines that do not connect well to the earlier part of the poem!. I think you might reconsider everything after the line break and omit what is not essential to the poem!.
One technique you might use to tighten your language is to look for every place you have used the words, "the" and "that" and see if you can omit them without distorting the meaning of the lines!. I can spot a few places that would help!.
This is good enough to merit a little revision to bring it into sharper focus!.Www@QuestionHome@Com