Sorry one more old time Dark Prince poem. How is it.?

Question: Sorry one more old time Dark Prince poem!. How is it!.!?

"frozen"

Laying in the darkest room,
door is locked, deadly doom!.!.
Chills run through all my bones,
feeling just like ice cream cones!.!.

Walls close in on my existence,
unreal illusions, no resistance!.
Darkness now my only friend,
frozen mistakes,for I have sinned!.

Laying on a slab like ice,
images, they're not so nice!.
Ice runs through my frozen bones,
body stiff, hard as a stone!.

I know where I am I'm glad,
laid out on a marble slab!.
Just another froze mistake,
Two to the head, no escape!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

In all honesty, it left me cold!. [C'mon, you KNOW I had to say it!.] "Unreal illusions" is a pleonasm, and that's a true fact, but I thinks it works well!. I like the idea of the narrator being a cadaver!. Next to last line!. Do you want "froze" or "frozen!?"Www@QuestionHome@Com

Interesting expression of gloom!. Reminds of PB Shelley's lines:
"Life, like a dome of many-colored glass,
Stains the white radiance of Eternity!."

I like this metaphor:
"Walls close in on my existence" and indeed, bones may feel "just like ice cream cones!."
But I'd "Chills run through all my veins (not bones!)
I'd also reconsider this lie and lay (one transitive the other intransitive verb)!. Of course, there's the slang, 'being laid' too!. Hence if you mean 'recline,' you may want to reconsider tenses (lie, lay, lain, laid etc)!. Reconsider also the semantic tautology, "unreal illusions" if it is not part of your rich daring poetic package of peeking under the angels' garb! missed 'n' in froze mistake (last stanza!!
Otherwise, thanks for your creative imagination and ability to express these eerie feelings so naturally!.
Great poetry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think what others do not appreciate about your poetry is the "gloom and doom" aspect makes it more original!.
I understand it perfectly, perhaps by watching too much CSI!.

You know, people like Edgar Allen Poe did not conform to writing fluffy poetry about happy little kitties, so I commend you for staying true to your writing style!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

What!? That's very depressing!. I just hope they go in the freezer and find you child!. All those ice dreams and ice creams!. Wow now I'm stuck too!. What's the frozen mistake!? If you identify with being a mistake, I've done the same thing, fearfully!. Are you feeling better!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

it is somehow about a scared person afraid of both dark and light !.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.anyhow it is a very good poem

by the way your last line" Two to the head, no escape" I think you want to say TOE to head ,no escapeWww@QuestionHome@Com

rather generic!. try and come up with something more interesting!. im an important fellar!. i dont have time to read something if it dont pique my interest!. but you have potential, son!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Don`t worry about those useless comments!. We who feel you know what you are saying and feeling!. I love the line,"Ice runs
through my frozen bones" That`s a keeper!. Needs no explain-
ation!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Its alright, its a bit monotonous though!. You use the word frozen too often, and your adjectives are a bit bland!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

back to doom and gloom!. oh well just another day!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

super "!!!!1Www@QuestionHome@Com

I really like this one!.
Very very nice:)Www@QuestionHome@Com

that was dark but still you talent my friendWww@QuestionHome@Com

i can't believe you had to explain that to someone!. just a note:
all day i've been saying stuff about corpsicles!.!.!.!.lol(on a stick!?!)Www@QuestionHome@Com