A new poem for your comments?

Question:I felt as useless as spittle
In the corner of the mouth of life.
Ready to wiped away
By the handkerchief of chance.
I thought that cancerous tumors
Could receive more love.
I felt like a festering sore
That lacked the ooze of personable behavior.
I felt lonely.
I felt out of sync.
Like I didn't belong
And didn't deserve an invitation.
I had heard the SLAM! of all the words doors
Closing in unison
Inches from my face.
I was the dirt at the bottom of the well.
Where no water was drawn.
I carried my sorrows in a see through backpack
And hunched over from there weight.
I became sadness.
I fed on my sorrow.
I digested misery.
I wanted to die
For my soul had already been outlined in chalk.
Then
God
Smiled
On
Me
Now I feel the total opposite of all the other things I just said.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I felt as useless as spittle
In the corner of the mouth of life.
Ready to wiped away
By the handkerchief of chance.
I thought that cancerous tumors
Could receive more love.
I felt like a festering sore
That lacked the ooze of personable behavior.
I felt lonely.
I felt out of sync.
Like I didn't belong
And didn't deserve an invitation.
I had heard the SLAM! of all the words doors
Closing in unison
Inches from my face.
I was the dirt at the bottom of the well.
Where no water was drawn.
I carried my sorrows in a see through backpack
And hunched over from there weight.
I became sadness.
I fed on my sorrow.
I digested misery.
I wanted to die
For my soul had already been outlined in chalk.
Then
God
Smiled
On
Me
Now I feel the total opposite of all the other things I just said.

Semper you have written gems but this, although it has a great premise, needs some more time to develop. You also have some grammar issues like: "ready to wiped away". If I may suggest, a great opening line or lines would be: My soul lays silent, waiting for the chalk outline and then go from there or something to that effect, then you can go into a reflection and epiphany. Just a thought.

Beautiful! And oh so true!

not very good

This poem is very powerful, until the end when the cliche suddenly stops it, "Then God smiled on me." Try to make this phrase your own, re-write it in a different way. Or, if you decide to keep that phrase, maybe take out the last line. It seems unnecessary since it is known that when God smiles on someone that person feels a lot better. These are just my suggestions, it is your poem, do what you will. :)

it was very good, until you hit the bottom. it was as if you had just stopped writing and let you hand move at random. i say, never bring religion into a poem, completely. so many people are put off by a poem when "god" and other people believed to be powerful are put into it. it almost sucks all the intensity and power right out.
and "Now I feel the total opposite of all the other things I just said." that was the worst thing you could have said. it's like you let your two year old brother finish it. it throws the whole poem off. when i read some thing that is so powerful and amazing, i look forward to the ending. because i know the writer is going to say something witty and i will have no words.
so just take out the religion, keeping the power and message, and then fix your ending.

hope this helps

Nicely done :)
please post at http://poetrysamateur.wordpress.com/

Lose the last line because when God smiles down on you, no other explanation is necessary!

I love it!

Edit: also, use "waiting to be wiped away" rather than "ready". And drop the part about tumors and love, it doesn't really fit. Your "festering" description is very clear.

Okay, may I suggest: "I felt the SLAM! of all doors" ? And, "transparent" rather than "see-through" ? And, "I was dying" rather than wanting to?

sorry, i hope i haven't offended you. :o}

edit: you're very welcome!

Wow! What a super, surprising finale. I especially liked, 'I felt as useless as spittle in the corner of the mouth of life.' That's some image and metaphor, my friend.

wow, I was really getting depressed until I read the ending. But, I could relate to the feelings in the poem. I could not have said it better.

God Bless...lol :)

You have a grammatical error in "hunched over from there weight", it should be "their" weight.
That first line was awesome. The poem lead me on in desperation that I hadn't felt in ages. It got deeper and deeper. Then the death line about the soul being already outlined in chalk was a show stopper!!!
But you jumped too quickly into
Then
God
Smiled, etc.
Work on the ending a little.
Please, please don't change the beginning. Just put a little more work into the ending. Such a wonderful beginning but such a rush of an ending. I'm just trying to be honest. The beginning is the best. But the ending was rushed.
You know you should be doing this for a living already!!! You are a poet at heart!!! God bless!! You've always got my props!!!