A poem called Fallen. whaddya think?

Question:its just a jot down. hasn't been edited or anything. just tell me what u think.

The skies above laugh,
the ground below watches,
its still and it waits,
to catch my dying pieces.
feeds off of my aching heart,
swallows all of my breaths,
rock hard grown scrapes, tears,
bites at my worn skin and flesh.
on my back i hurtingly lie,
my eyes watch the skies smile,
my aches and pains jab into me,
i cry threw the already falling rain.
i can feel my heart going,
rupturing right threw my chest,
above my spirit and soul flys,
love had let me fallen.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: its just a jot down. hasn't been edited or anything. just tell me what u think.

The skies above laugh,
the ground below watches,
its still and it waits,
to catch my dying pieces.
feeds off of my aching heart,
swallows all of my breaths,
rock hard grown scrapes, tears,
bites at my worn skin and flesh.
on my back i hurtingly lie,
my eyes watch the skies smile,
my aches and pains jab into me,
i cry threw the already falling rain.
i can feel my heart going,
rupturing right threw my chest,
above my spirit and soul flys,
love had let me fallen.

The skies above laugh,
the ground below watches,
its still and it waits,
to catch my dying (shards instead of peices to give the of fragility)pieces.
feeds off of my aching heart,
swallows all of my breaths(no s),
rock hard, (it instead of ground) scrapes, tears,
bites at my worn skin and flesh.
on my back i lie (in my own angst),
my eyes watch the skies smile,
my aches and pains jab into me,
i cry threw the already falling rain.
i can feel my heart going(beating),
rupturing( cracking instead of rupturing) right threw my chest,
above (me)my spirit and soul fly,leaving me behind,
love had let me fallen.

Wow, very very very good, i made a few adjustments that I would make, but it is really godd and your poem, their just suggedtions but you jotted down a wonderul poem

Very good

Wow. Amazing. I love your word choice. You have the amazing ability to paint pictures with your words! Love it! Keep up the good poetry!