C.r.i.t.i.q.u.e please ~?

Question:as the waves rush in past my feet
and brush my toes with sand
the shells landing around my ankles
as if they were their queens,
the salty wind shuffles my hair.
its crisp warmth splattering upon my arms
and every second seemed bittersweet.
As time begins, then ends itself
a rush of morning brought to dawn,
seconds here, and then escaped
moments later, brought to hate.
is truth a matter of forever,
infinity, right til-the-end?
Or is it a stretch that ends in seconds
a simple secret you thought to lend?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: as the waves rush in past my feet
and brush my toes with sand
the shells landing around my ankles
as if they were their queens,
the salty wind shuffles my hair.
its crisp warmth splattering upon my arms
and every second seemed bittersweet.
As time begins, then ends itself
a rush of morning brought to dawn,
seconds here, and then escaped
moments later, brought to hate.
is truth a matter of forever,
infinity, right til-the-end?
Or is it a stretch that ends in seconds
a simple secret you thought to lend?

Overall, this is pretty nice. It flows pretty well, and it gives me a calming feeling as a result of reading this. But, I agree with another answer who had the same suggestion. I really think you should replace the word "splattering". It really doesn't give the right image of warmth. Maybe you should write, " its crisp warmth enclothed my arms"?

But, I really think this is a pretty good poem.

Thanks for sharing.

I think it's really good. I feel exactly the same way when I go to the ocean. Bittersweet.

I really like this, my only thing is in line 6 the word 'splattering' kind of ruins the image of me.

its crisp warmth (splashing) upon my arms in line six will sould a bit better I think.

check your poem for syntax errors.

rush
brush
landing ... land
shuffles
splattering ... splatters
seemed
begins ... began
ends ...ended

the poem has problems.

The description of time beginning and ending ,
the morning changing to dawn and escaping and brought finally to hate is incoherent and confusing. Why hate? that seems to fall onto the page without provocation.

...and the sequencing is faulty.

There is redundancy .
The line " infinity, right til the end?" can be removed with no ill effects
This action will then negate the necessity for the last line.

The first eleven lines seem to serve as the setting for the big question. And the big question is lost by the distractions of the beauty of nature , washed away in the sand and waves and never ultimately answered.

If this is what your poem is trying to express then you have the seed, the glimmer of success.. Keep working the poem has great potential!.

With a little more attention it will give birth to itself.