What are your thoughts of this poem?

Question:Lightweight clouds of golden satin streak
across the dense blue sky,
swirling in a assortment of gold and blue.

A dense light plum veil conceals the canvas
of day completely,
As the sun of the night and
the diamonds encrusting
the veil sparkles against
it in tranquillity.

Oh, how I wish
the veil of night
could conceal the
harmful flaws
that threatens lives,
like the expanding turmoil
in our surroundings.

Unfortunately,
it only conceals the
day sky.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Lightweight clouds of golden satin streak
across the dense blue sky,
swirling in a assortment of gold and blue.

A dense light plum veil conceals the canvas
of day completely,
As the sun of the night and
the diamonds encrusting
the veil sparkles against
it in tranquillity.

Oh, how I wish
the veil of night
could conceal the
harmful flaws
that threatens lives,
like the expanding turmoil
in our surroundings.

Unfortunately,
it only conceals the
day sky.

This is mostly good, but uneven. OK, here I go again:
#1 & #3- "Lightweight" and "dense." Then #4 - "dense light." I like the paradox of the second, but the fact that it is a repetition weakens the impact.
#3 "an" not "a."
#8- It should be "sparkle."
#9- I like "tranquilly" better. What do you think?
#12- "harmful flaws?" Is that in contrast to beneficial flaws?
#16- "of" works better than "in."
#17 "Unfortunately" has no kick whatever, get out the thesaurus. The last three lines are dynamite, that's the whole point of the poem. Don't start your finish with a candyass word like "unfortunately."

You have a great idea here. I hope that I have helped polish up some rough spots. I wouldn't mind some feedback.

its beautiful.
i love the image it gives.

what do you think of mine
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