Who likes this poem I wrote to summit to school?

Question:Looking into the black night sky I see everything
The stars, the moon and the sky
The Sparking stars in the sky represent the twinkling eyes I see
The moon represens the heart that brightens our lives
And the sky is the warmth of love
But most importanly I see something else
It was the most matgnificient thing ever
It was a Shotting Star
I quickly closed my eyes and wished
and wished.....
With hope and joy I opened my eyes and there was
Nothing
My heart was broken but that didn't stop me
I then went to bed and the next morning
I woke up and
I thought I was dreaming
Sombody pinch me...
My wish really came true I wanted to live in an big humungous house
And hear I am laying on the bed of my dreams
My life has changed
It was a dream come true
And I will never forget that

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Looking into the black night sky I see everything
The stars, the moon and the sky
The Sparking stars in the sky represent the twinkling eyes I see
The moon represens the heart that brightens our lives
And the sky is the warmth of love
But most importanly I see something else
It was the most matgnificient thing ever
It was a Shotting Star
I quickly closed my eyes and wished
and wished.....
With hope and joy I opened my eyes and there was
Nothing
My heart was broken but that didn't stop me
I then went to bed and the next morning
I woke up and
I thought I was dreaming
Sombody pinch me...
My wish really came true I wanted to live in an big humungous house
And hear I am laying on the bed of my dreams
My life has changed
It was a dream come true
And I will never forget that

Well, I like your poem very much! It needs some work, but most poems submitted on line do!

I'm a pretty good poet; had a few things published, and have been working at it for almost 40 years — no, exactly 40 years since I remember writing my first poem in 1968. I've learned during this time not to write poems that are this long because I cannot sustain a poetic voice or poetic thought that far!

You really should think about shortening this. I'll try to help you a little — but I won't make any changes that keep it from being uniquely "your poem."

_____________________

Looking into the night, I see the stars, the moon and the sky.
Sparkling stars represent all the twinkling eyes,
And the moon is the heart that brightens our lives.

The sky above is the warmth of love.

I closed my eyes and wished and wished
on a magnificient shooting star
and opened again with joy and hope,
but there was nothing left but my heart —
and it broke.

But I slept and woke and it all came true
and here I am on my bed of dreams.

Sombody pinch me ...
My life has changed.

______________________

OK, so I might have taken this a little too far — but I stopped far short of the real potential I can see for this poem. You need to learn what to cut out, and when to let the poem just "speak for itself!"

I'm trying to teach my daughter to write poetry (she's 11). And it's frustrating because I want so bad for her poems to be so good!

We're working on basic quatrains now, with a ballad form — four-line stanzas with alernating lines having eight and six syllables. The shorter lines rhyme and the longer lines don't rhyme.

We're working on basic quatrains
now, with a ballad form.
Four two-count beats begin the things,
And three beats balance the norm.

ta dah, ta dah, ta dah, ta dah,
ta dah, ta dah, ta dah;
ta dah, ta dah, ta dah, ta dah,
ta dah, ta dah, ta dah.

Poetically yours,

RAonaroll

... okay, use Spell Check. and I think it ended too quickly. It needs some reworking. It also needs more adjectives, metaphors and imagery.

This poem has potential. In your first line you should maybe take out the word "black," it seems unnecessary. Also, in the third line, maybe take out the word "sparkling." Change the word "represent" to "are" (third line) or "is" (fourth line.) You need to clarify whose eyes are the twinkling ones. Your first five lines are really good other than my suggestions. For the rest of it, you need to continue with the form of the first five. You begin to "tell" us too much in the rest of the poem instead of "showing" us. Use more images and metaphors. The phrase "big humongous house" is redundant, use either "big" or "humongous," not both.

Well, you need to go back and check your spelling. You don't need black in there to describe a night sky. We know a night sky is black. Big and humongous are redundant--meaning they are the same thing so just use one or the other.The hear I am should be here I am. It really sounds like a story to me not quite a poem. Maybe it's because of the lack of punctuation or the fact that it doesn't follow the poem form. Try again. You have got some good ideas going now work with them.