I wrote a poem yesterday, and have now edited it to make it better, can you tell

Question:Forgotten wrappers stain the floor,
a neon sign, a creaking door
Here is where we set our scene,
Downtown Manhattan,
The motel of dreams.

Fairy lights brighten her skies,
Cigarette butts, like fireflies
A young girl collapsed onto a bed
A thin floral sheet covers her head

Her story cluttered, her history cold
She was barely 16 years old
She lay there and shed the light
Of how she’d come to this horrible place,
On this warm September night

She wishes for a different life,
Born in bliss and not of strife,
Not to live life in one big flash,
Of tainted flesh and cheap cash

The compass of her mind still span
Dreaming of a never land
Where love could last her all her life
Not a phone call, a fumble, one cheap night

She longed to feel true passion
She longed to feel a flame
But all she felt were groping hands
Feeling the nights away.

how do i make it better?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Forgotten wrappers stain the floor,
a neon sign, a creaking door
Here is where we set our scene,
Downtown Manhattan,
The motel of dreams.

Fairy lights brighten her skies,
Cigarette butts, like fireflies
A young girl collapsed onto a bed
A thin floral sheet covers her head

Her story cluttered, her history cold
She was barely 16 years old
She lay there and shed the light
Of how she’d come to this horrible place,
On this warm September night

She wishes for a different life,
Born in bliss and not of strife,
Not to live life in one big flash,
Of tainted flesh and cheap cash

The compass of her mind still span
Dreaming of a never land
Where love could last her all her life
Not a phone call, a fumble, one cheap night

She longed to feel true passion
She longed to feel a flame
But all she felt were groping hands
Feeling the nights away.

how do i make it better?

Well, wrappers don't stain floors they litter them. You need to rhyme place if you're going to make this a rhyming poem and put it in the right place. I can understand now that she's a runaway seeking love and is possibly caught in prostitution? Or that's what is coming across to me. The compass of her mind still spans is correct not span-that's a forced rhyme and it doesn't sound good. You need to be consistent with your poem because as I'm reading it, it sort of falls apart at the end. It stops rhyming. Feeling the nights away doesn't work.
Try again. Remember, don't stop writing just because I found some problems with your poem. You're a beginner and you have to learn. I had to learn too. I'm trying to help you not be mean. Try it again and remember to ask your English teacher for some help. I'm sure she'll help if she sees you like to write. I did this and got a lot of good advise.

wow thats extremely good i wish i had your talent i feel it doesnt need anything else to make it better :) good job

It is better already. Leave it as it is. Write some more.

To my knowledge there are no motels in downtown Manhattan.
Downtown Manhattan is expensive. Any hotel there is going to be expsnive. Not the kind of place you describe with junk all over the floor.
Set it in some fleabag motel on Route 1 and it would be believable...but her age....eek...your poem appears to be about a harlot and in all my life i have NEVER seen a harlot that young....the youngest I have ever seen one is 18......that age is a stretch....

Its good but a little disjointed but tells a story that is so modern but needs you to be able to climb more into her life style to assist with wording to explain better why ~~

I like it! It stands ok as it is.
Only one suggestion - in verse 5 "spanned" would rhyme with "land" and put an element of the normality she craves into her dreams - a stronger contrast with the disintegation of rhyme in the last verse that echoes her desperate actual situation.
Great stuff, anyway!

Digital Age...have you ever stayed in downtown Manhattan? There are plenty of hotels that fit her description. Manhattan is expensive regardless of the quality of the hotel. I paid $200 to sleep a night with cockroaches...disgusting.

Great poem, I don't think it needs any work. You have a lot of talent!

you cant make it better! its soooo gr8 soooo awsomeley awsome! gr8 word choice! i luv it! ^^