13 year old poet writes again... its not good... please rate?

Question:done in a few minutes...

You stand there
Hand in hand
He plays with your hair
It all goes as planned

You look at him
With stars in your eyes
It makes me want to scream
And shout to the skies.

You were like a virus
Infecting me
But who was I kidding
We couldn’t be.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: done in a few minutes...

You stand there
Hand in hand
He plays with your hair
It all goes as planned

You look at him
With stars in your eyes
It makes me want to scream
And shout to the skies.

You were like a virus
Infecting me
But who was I kidding
We couldn’t be.

Hey, thats really good. I mean if you keep shooting those out, someday I can see that you could have some good talent.

Maybe you could be a little more descriptive in the last stanza. I'd suggest taking out the last two lines and move them down. Then elaborate on how the virus 'infected you, finishing that stanza. Then write two more lines starting the last stanza that was ended by your original last two lines.

I like that one.

KEEP WRITING!! :]

? Peace

i like it kinda keep it up you will get better.

Nice rhyme scheme. I'm a teen poet too. I thought it was pretty nice. sounds like some of the kids I know. That's always a good sign.

7.59743/10

That's so good! in a few minutes? it's very eloquent.
The part where it's like a "virus", i would change, it takes away the beauty from the poem.

7.5/10

wow. ur words spin people in a tidepool of emotions.
poetry is amzing and most importantly not to cliche and helpful.
keep it up!

It's good =]
You were like a virus
Infecting me is off

Try...
You were the virus
That infected me

Actually I think you have done a good job!

On a scale of 1 to 10 you get a two...... hundred! Two Hundred! That was great! Keep it up.
~*WinglessAngel*~

its okay. I give it a 5 out of ten. You need more visual expression;
perhaps:

You stand there alone,
hand in hand.
no one else in sight.

He plays with your hair
as it blows gently in the air
and nothing could feel more right.

You look at him,
stars in your eyes;
You feel as if you shine.

If only that moment could last forever.
if it were possible to freeze time.

But he was like a poison,
and though I didn't want to see.
I knew that it was futile,
and that we would never be.

Like this maybe. Just more visual appeal for the audience. Writing is to capture the pictures and emotions of the mind in words.

I LOVE THIS!!!
my suggestion would be to take out scream And. I think it is too long.
also change
You were like a virus
Infecting me
to something like
I thought we'd be forever
Just you and me.
Just a suggestion but I really like this!!!