10 pts! What do you think of this poem I just rewrote?

Question:I rewrote this poem, after some suggestions from "Poetry" on YA. First is the original; and the following is the rewrite. Which is better in your opinion?

Caitlin's Poem

This morning pierces by
clouds and orange skies.
Here the sun rises
while I open my eyes.

Every stunning morning
I wake to her smiling.
Needing to start the day,
but here I want to stay.

Pulling on the soft covers,
slowly contently loving her.
My words are painted with
traces of her sweet lips.

Her love feels like
the purpose of my life.
With soft hands and kisses
she has me closer to bliss

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I rewrote this poem, after some suggestions from "Poetry" on YA. First is the original; and the following is the rewrite. Which is better in your opinion?

Caitlin's Poem

This morning pierces by
clouds and orange skies.
Here the sun rises
while I open my eyes.

Every stunning morning
I wake to her smiling.
Needing to start the day,
but here I want to stay.

Pulling on the soft covers,
slowly contently loving her.
My words are painted with
traces of her sweet lips.

Her love feels like
the purpose of my life.
With soft hands and kisses
she has me closer to bliss

Actually I like the first one, it has the freshness of young love. And of course we've all been there, grumpy! whoever's just said it's been done already, thank goodness it has been and always will be!
Young poetry puts new life into the emotional and intellectual world just as young love puts new babies into the physical world. I wouldn't dream of telling someone their precious newborn was just one more smelly little squawker ;-)

Just another ******* cliche mate! Sorry to break it to you.

cooool man

have you written it yourself????????????

i like yours better.
=]

Interesting! Good try.

sounds good to me,but you need to move on.

Nice poem. I like the second verse.

THE SECOND ONE, I REALLY LIKE THIS BIT
My words are painted with
traces of her sweet lips.

I like the rewrite better. It is more understandable what you want to say...........

I must say that I like the second one much better. You have captured her exquisitely. Well done!

The second is ok but if you are writing poetry why not try to come up with more than the bedroom ~~

i like the second better, better word choice in the second, and tat is such a sweet romantic poem, has she read it yet? oh that is soooo romantic

the re-edit version is more reader friendly, especially for people who cant understand a lot of figurative language..keep it up :D its a very lovely poem ???