Here is part, the Fifth, of a Witch and Eva, will you comment?

Question:Forgotten Name Part V

The man of God, cowering creature
Trembling hands looked up to gaze
A grain of fear on every feature
A solemn breath through terrored haze
“Come to carry out your stark oath?”
Sniveling, cringing he spoke aloud
His wining voice is what she most loathed
She drew on powers to her endowed
“You should dare try and escape this”
“You would fair a better fate”
“If we were left in our love lifes bliss”
“A better world would we create!”
But as she tried to strike the last blow
Using all the strength she found
The voice came soft as winters first snow
And rose un-fearful from the ground
The song was making one last attempt
To stay the hasty hand of wrath
An altar sacrificing contempt
A way to find a better path
Siren stood as if to listen
Not knowing if she could return
A single tear on stone face glistened
A thought so hot the mind would burn

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Forgotten Name Part V

The man of God, cowering creature
Trembling hands looked up to gaze
A grain of fear on every feature
A solemn breath through terrored haze
“Come to carry out your stark oath?”
Sniveling, cringing he spoke aloud
His wining voice is what she most loathed
She drew on powers to her endowed
“You should dare try and escape this”
“You would fair a better fate”
“If we were left in our love lifes bliss”
“A better world would we create!”
But as she tried to strike the last blow
Using all the strength she found
The voice came soft as winters first snow
And rose un-fearful from the ground
The song was making one last attempt
To stay the hasty hand of wrath
An altar sacrificing contempt
A way to find a better path
Siren stood as if to listen
Not knowing if she could return
A single tear on stone face glistened
A thought so hot the mind would burn

There are some of us who write with structure so unobtrusive, as to be invisible (Evadne Terra). There are some who are such slaves to structure, that it crowds out feelings (Pugilist). You have found that sliver of space between them where the structure enhances the flow of both ideas and emotions. Your work reads like one of the great sagas of epic poetry. After every line I find myself in breathless anticipation of what will happen next. I used to think that you were a teenager, unaware of her enormous gifts. I have changed my mind, such artistry HAS TO BE the product of many years of effort. The issue that I have with you is grammar and spelling. I have come to the conclusion that your grammar is sloppy and your spelling is awful. It took me a while, because your artistry is so good that I tended to create new possible meanings that made sense, within the context of the novel usage. This was especially true in Part III.
Here are some suggested emendations:
"Whining," not "wining."
Put a comma after "powers," for greater clarity.
It is "fare," not "fair."
'Winter's,' 'life's.' They are possessive, not plural. That is probably true for "Sirens" as well.
You are simply too good for me to let you get away with this crap.

The Siren stopped her
death soaked cries
and looked to the man
who should have died.

What had stayed
the killing hand,
no one was here,
no one to stand

up for the monster
who broke her love,
left her below,
her heart, above.

And Eva watched
with weary gaze,
her golden love
cease to raze

and dwell in peace with knowledge.

Beautiful again, they get better and better, my darling dear. Better and better.

This astonishes me with its emotional impact. It moves from the terrifying to the poignant so dramatically, and the end is profoundly moving, beginning with "the voice came soft as winter's first snow" (brilliant). This poem seems very carefully crafted and is vivid in its imagery. I think it may be the best one yet. Thank you.

Was that the end? I need to round all these up and get them printed out.

One suggestion if I may, the last two lines broke my rhythm -- maybe:

- held in forgiveness
Not,
Vengeance.

The "forgiveness" line has five syllables. By splitting the last line you can add a caesura and an enjambment to make up for "Not vengeance" having only three.

I gotta go ask a question now.

You are getting bigger than life out here... I feel left behind. You and Eva will rise to greater heights together and I will always, just be, Rouxe... *pout* but I am glad for you.

Not many modern stories focus on forgiveness... instead they will tell you it is your right to sea vengeance... this is refreshing and i sent chills down my spine and reverberated into my very being... I am starving for your poems, I want more of this!

I think they are all just wonderful. I am saddened that it is over. This truly was a beautiful poetic story. Forgiveness...the height of strength and character.
You are without a doubt a fabulous poet with amazing talent and I hope you will grace us with more of your art.