Critique Poem: JiJi Arrows of Love?

Question:What My I?
A novice in game of love?
A flying bird or dove?
Jiji is hunting my heart
I am falling apart
Arrows of love thrown at me
I run but I fall on my knee
JiJi hear my sigh and plea
I want to sing
I want to be free
Ouch your last arrow has landed
I am in the field of love stranded
Jiji come closer and you can see
What love have done to me?
I am helpless and what can I do?
Only in your loving arms I surrender

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: What My I?
A novice in game of love?
A flying bird or dove?
Jiji is hunting my heart
I am falling apart
Arrows of love thrown at me
I run but I fall on my knee
JiJi hear my sigh and plea
I want to sing
I want to be free
Ouch your last arrow has landed
I am in the field of love stranded
Jiji come closer and you can see
What love have done to me?
I am helpless and what can I do?
Only in your loving arms I surrender

Sounds like a good start, but it just needs to flow more smoothly.
like this maybe:

A novice in a game of love
My fate it looks so bleak
I try my best to run away
but cannot move my feet

My heart it races
and I hear
Jiji closing in
I cannot let you get to me
I cannot you win

You throw your arrows of love at me
I block them, but they hit
slowly they are stunning me
removing all my sense

You appear
a last arrow posed
You have finally hunted me down

Helpless I can do no more
but surrender to your loving arms

I don't know if you like this, but this is sort of an example of a smoother transition in between verses. It was slightly hard because I don't know that exact emotions felt by the author.

that was really good!!! I like it.. I can kinda relate to it although it's not exactly love... lol... if it's based on a true story, I think that's REALLY sweet... and good luck on your relationship if it is based on your life... =) NICE POEM!!!

Dear Sherif555
Unfortunately your poem is far to stunted, each line seems to be a single statement, rather than a flowing rendering.

May I suggest that you find a quiet corner and reread it out load. See if you can feel in your heart if this is really how you want to express yourself.

Others too have to feel what you feel, what you really are trying to say. Be honest with yourself and ask "Is this the best I have to offer, or can I do better?"

I think that you can.

Robert