This is a rewrite of "cold comfort" using Todds edits. Is it better no

Question:"cold comfort"

You ignored and watched me,
as I tried to take my life.
Alcohol, pills and drugs,
you would sacrifice my life.
For no more than avarice,
you exist no more to me.
Just a blatent coward,
the antithesis of friend.
Take action before there is,
no excuse for your defense.
My friend I would have walked,
through the gates of Hell with you.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: "cold comfort"

You ignored and watched me,
as I tried to take my life.
Alcohol, pills and drugs,
you would sacrifice my life.
For no more than avarice,
you exist no more to me.
Just a blatent coward,
the antithesis of friend.
Take action before there is,
no excuse for your defense.
My friend I would have walked,
through the gates of Hell with you.

This is much stronger. I would make one more minor suggestion.

L5: "avarice" in itself good word but a little too abstract maybe an example of the avarice instead--that would probably hit harder.

This is good work. I know rewrites can be a pain, but I like what you're doing here.

Best,

Todd

it's simple and beautiful!

how about
You watched and ignored me,
instead of
You ignored and watched me

This has merit but a subject that I do not take lightly. I lost a brother years ago to suicide and looking back through the years it seems that youth can be very suseptible to words, songs like "Highway to Hell" and glamorization of the act. Art takes all forms and needs to be expressed, just some caution at times is what I would advise. The poem although is good.

I don't know what the original version of it was but I do like it. I must say you have real potential as a poet.

Keep up the good work! :) @-->--

These are powerful words. The poem is succinctly written, and with perfect clarity. It brought to mind someone who is to me "the antithesis of a friend" and filled me with sorrow- still, I love and appreciate your skill. Thank you.

It is tighter and more direct this way. The poem's rhythm is exceptional. I am glad you didn't lose the music in your rewrite.

OMG this is so beautiful! Its so cool!

Yes, it is better in that it reads a bit more like water flowing.
ViVa Todd and the DP.