Will you help me improve this poem?

Question:going by comments i've received, and my own thoughts, this works well up to line 7. can anyone give me some help with the rest of it?
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"Stars II"

Look up, I see the stars tonight:
Crystals set in velvet sky,
Entrancing, dancing diamond lights;
And here, below, they see me cry
My tears of ice; I hear them call;
They call to tell me I could fly
Fly to join their endless ball
And waltz with stars, but I can see
Finality in flying’s thrall;
And though with stars I might be free,
Tomorrow’s coming into sight
And telling me I should not flee
From dark times; for there must be light
To make the shadows; flying’s cost
Is that I’ll never make things right
So though my life is numb with frost
I want the stars to know they’ve lost.

(c)
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: going by comments i've received, and my own thoughts, this works well up to line 7. can anyone give me some help with the rest of it?
-------------------

"Stars II"

Look up, I see the stars tonight:
Crystals set in velvet sky,
Entrancing, dancing diamond lights;
And here, below, they see me cry
My tears of ice; I hear them call;
They call to tell me I could fly
Fly to join their endless ball
And waltz with stars, but I can see
Finality in flying’s thrall;
And though with stars I might be free,
Tomorrow’s coming into sight
And telling me I should not flee
From dark times; for there must be light
To make the shadows; flying’s cost
Is that I’ll never make things right
So though my life is numb with frost
I want the stars to know they’ve lost.

(c)
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This could be a gem but to me needs polish.

Line 6: didn't flow as well for me
Line 7: perhaps a better word for "ball"
Line 9: to me a weak statement since you were building to it
Line10: "might be" perhaps go to a one syllable word
Line 13: minor, but how about "darkness" instead
Line 15: check meter on this line, maybe it's me but...

Some great images and the progression of flight to remedy is done well. My compliments

to be honest i think it is a perfectly good poem, and what makes it even better is that it is your work and no one elses, so it is your thought track which is writing this poem.

i would stick with this poem how it is (:

Stop after the first line and retire.
Write a story in rhyme not a load of childish rubbish about feelings.
Be different from the masses, They all write this sort of crap.

awesome! 8)

"And the cow jumped over the moon."

Hi that's brilliant
I do a bit of poetry myself. and reading your poem I cant find any fault in it
I would not get anyone to help you its your work stick by it
When you write a poem you put all your thoughts and dreams into it ,a thing you have done very well . don't change it.
I can read a bit of you in your poem
good luck.

Here's what I think you should do, go out on such a starry night with your poem, lay it an open field, add petrol and a freshly struck match. There you go, improved no end!

Velvet sky, Diamond lights etc are quite cliched. Interesting writers would replace velvet and diamond for words which make you consider the sky or stars in a new way or in a way that reflects your own state of mind.

I think there are too many forced rhymes later on as well.

Read The Ode Less Travelled by Stephen Fry or Cleanth Brooks' Understanding Poetry.