10 pts...Can you please help me make this poem better?

Question:I think the poem is good, but not great. I don't think it's deep at all; it feels somewhat flat. I spent maybe 10 minutes most on it, and it shows. But I am stuck on how to make it better. Honestly, I first came up with the last 2 lines on the 3rd stanza...I liked them, and went from there...but agh...it seriously lacks depth.

Any suggestions at all? More imagery? Longer? Shorter?

Caitlin's Poem

This morning pierces by
clouds and orange skies.
Here the sun rises
while I open my eyes.

Every stunning morning
I wake to her smiling.
Needing to start the day,
but here I want to stay.

Pulling on the soft covers,
slowly contently loving her.
My words are painted with
traces of her sweet lips.

Her love feels like
the purpose of my life.
With soft hands and kisses
she has me closer to bliss.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I think the poem is good, but not great. I don't think it's deep at all; it feels somewhat flat. I spent maybe 10 minutes most on it, and it shows. But I am stuck on how to make it better. Honestly, I first came up with the last 2 lines on the 3rd stanza...I liked them, and went from there...but agh...it seriously lacks depth.

Any suggestions at all? More imagery? Longer? Shorter?

Caitlin's Poem

This morning pierces by
clouds and orange skies.
Here the sun rises
while I open my eyes.

Every stunning morning
I wake to her smiling.
Needing to start the day,
but here I want to stay.

Pulling on the soft covers,
slowly contently loving her.
My words are painted with
traces of her sweet lips.

Her love feels like
the purpose of my life.
With soft hands and kisses
she has me closer to bliss.

I like the moment you have isolated but I think that you are confined by the rhyme. Do away with it altogether and focus on more tangible/concrete images of the morning--how the sunlight looks/feels, how soft the covers are, how smooth her skin feels, how her hair smells, how the room looks, how her voice sounds. By dwelling on these details you will be translating just how much you don't want to get out of bed and just how much you love her without having to tell us outright: "here I want to stay" or "her love feels like / the purpose of my life". These are sentiments that we should feel, not have to be told.
I admire the courage to put a poem in public view and ask for criticism and I do think that there is something here to work with.

its a beautiful poem...dont change it...but realize that you are your own worst critic....Trust me. I am mine.
I write poems too, and this sounds simular to one I just got published...lol.
So yeah its good.

it's really meaningful caitlin should be happy she has such a sweet guy ...and good way with words
i love it like this

morning pierces by...
the rising sun paints the Sky's
clouds turn to fire in my eyes
yet so beautiful

she wakes me with her sunny gleam
a smile with every morning...
her warmth helps me out of bed
time to write a new day

Pulling on the soft covers,
slowly contently loving her.
My words are painted with
traces of her sweet lips.

Her love feels like
the purpose of my life.
With soft hands and kisses
she has me closer to bliss

um id do some moe but i gatta go :D

Change "while i open my eyes" to as i open my eyes sounds better and change "every stunning morning" to somethiing else idk and 1 more "slowly contently loving her" slowly loving her contently or somethin a little different everything else is good tho

personally, i think this poem is beautiful. sometimes, you think you need to change it over and over, because your mind is like, "i can't believe i actually got it right the first time around!" so, maybe it's perfect just the way it is...you never know. just, do whatever your heart's telling you...

Clouds and orange skies
open my eyes, while soft hands and kisses
slowly pull covers,
slowly paint over my words,
slowly trace her sweet lips
slowly pull me closer to bliss

This morning pierces by.
Her love wants me stay
my open eyes
need me to start the day