I tried writing this last nite but was way too tired. please criticiscm is wante

Question:"cold comfort"

You sat there and you watched,
as I nearly destroyed myself.
Never had I felt so betrayed,
that you would sacrifice my life.
For no more than cold comfort,
now you no longer exist to me.
You are just a blatant coward,
the antithesis of a friend.
Take action before there is ,
No one left for your defense.
For I would have walked with you,
right through the gates of hell.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: "cold comfort"

You sat there and you watched,
as I nearly destroyed myself.
Never had I felt so betrayed,
that you would sacrifice my life.
For no more than cold comfort,
now you no longer exist to me.
You are just a blatant coward,
the antithesis of a friend.
Take action before there is ,
No one left for your defense.
For I would have walked with you,
right through the gates of hell.

Hey it's been awhile since I've looked at one of your poems.

A couple thoughts:

L1: You may want to find something less static than sitting and watching. Something that conveys more of a callous emotion.

L2: A specific act of destruction might be more helpful than this overview.

L3: Show the betrayal don't tell me here.

L5: You run a risk using the cold comfort phrase because it's so well known. I think an example of this type of cold comfort in the next line or two might draw it out more.

L7: You could maybe shorten this to: A blatent coward

L8: You could cut the "a"

That's it for a critique. Our styles our different so it's possible that these changes might not work for what you are trying to do. Mainly I just want to set you thinking down some different paths and see if anything pops out for you.

Best,

Todd

.........to me it was great....i loved it... keep writin

A poem with a discipline....that's what i call this
compact, thoughtful, nicely framed and made into a thing of beauty!

The craftsmanship is excellent. The expression of hurt, anger and resentment is clear. But there is a note of self-pity that cannot be ennobled by clarity or craft.

its very high school poetry contest. It has no rhythm although you worked with some good content.

I liked it. You succeeded in making me feel sorry for you. Is that what you were going for, or did I miss something?

Very interesting.

Would you like me to shoot someone for you. I do it every time I try to sleep. No, I really won't shoot them, but there are time when my thinking is darker than the black heart of satan. I like your poem, and it is definitely not typical high school poetry.

This is tighter and more precise than the original. I like it better.

This is, in my opinion, one of your better poems. It is short and to the point. I only have one suggestion if I may? I think I would omit line 5 entirely. It would enhance the flow of the piece and continue the train of thought for the reader. Only a suggestion, no offense meant, I love your poems anyway. Thanks for sharing.