The Poor....opinions please?

Question:With her crooked hands she worked
The land.
Toiled by hand that fertile soil.
The cold came
And the work changed to an
Old copper pot
Filled with water under a fire in the
Cold as the fire kissed the pot.
She made the cowboy coffee with those
Crooked hands
Carrying the pot of coffee in the old house
For the healthy young men.
The coffee was good because she made it
With those hands; those hands on
My mind.
A sip, it was good, another sip, those hands
I thought with every sip.
My guilt was building in my heart with
Every sip.
Another, and another sip, thinking of those hands as I
Took another sip
Of that awful copper pot coffee.
This was life as I took another sip, and another
And another, thinking of those hands that worked
Hard for years.
The guilt as I took another sip, wondering how long
My cup had been empty.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: With her crooked hands she worked
The land.
Toiled by hand that fertile soil.
The cold came
And the work changed to an
Old copper pot
Filled with water under a fire in the
Cold as the fire kissed the pot.
She made the cowboy coffee with those
Crooked hands
Carrying the pot of coffee in the old house
For the healthy young men.
The coffee was good because she made it
With those hands; those hands on
My mind.
A sip, it was good, another sip, those hands
I thought with every sip.
My guilt was building in my heart with
Every sip.
Another, and another sip, thinking of those hands as I
Took another sip
Of that awful copper pot coffee.
This was life as I took another sip, and another
And another, thinking of those hands that worked
Hard for years.
The guilt as I took another sip, wondering how long
My cup had been empty.

To quote a country/western song, "I like it, I love it, I want more of it".
I am not a poetry critic, but I prefer that poem to the "laurette's" poetry...it seems to speak from the heart, is simple and honest and describes REAL people's lives.
Thanks for sharing.

Very nice poem and i loved how at the end you said how long has my cup been empty.' as that's how i feel a many days.

Honestly no jones about it this poem is REALLY Good!
particularly the first 2/3 and the concept in the ending. those last two lines are perfect.

In the way of constructive criticism I have to say I cant follow why you chose to cut the lines the way you have particulalry in the first portions. The awkwardness of it distracted me from really reading and hearing the wonderful poem you have going here.
The simplest way to cut lines is to do so accourding to sound where you wish the sound to stop such as in a song A natural line break. Because they didnt break naturally I found myself trying to infer some deaper meaning. Perhaps another meaning hidden or formed by rhyme or allusion formed with the odd line breaks. I couldnt find anything But all that looking detracted from the poem itself. Id suggest eaither break the lines like music might naturally by ear or if you do mean to lend mutliple meanings through those awkward line breaks make them more apparent. You have too good of a poem for people to get caught up needlessly in the line breaks.

"With her crooked hands she worked
The land.
Toiled by hand that fertile soil.
The cold came
And the work changed to an
Old copper pot"

the repitition so close in space of the word hands here bugs me. I understand the image is integral to the concept of the poem but the re use so close and immediately in the poem has the affect of also giving the reader no credit at all. Show it dont say it

"With her crooked hands she worked the land.
Toiled that fertile soil. The cold came
and the work changed
to an old copper pot "

-here the excessive repition of hands is taken a back a touch . The awkward line break of workd. The land is smoothed. If your tastes lean towards not ending every line with a period but you want to break naturally an easy way to fix this is to start the next line to a natural pause after the period such as is the case in the above second line. The capital A in And is removed as it is a myth about poetry that the first word of everyline is capitalized. If you dont fuss with that fallacy it immediatly gives your poems the aire of really knowing what your doing. -simple trick-. Came and changed are a slant Rhyme for the second and third line endings. And that leaves for anticipation of changed into what? to an old copper pot.

Those are just some ideas; play with line lenght and ending choice Make it emphasise how good your poem is not distract from its quality. Watch excessive obvious repeat words and rhymes etc. Your obviously intellegent and write well use that to make those obvious links between lines and symbols slightly less evident and more witty. Suprise us. Such as is the case with the "sip" references in the last third f the poem. That gets a bit redundant But I LOVE the concept. Shake things up a bit for us. Same idea. different wrapping. the rest of your poem says you know how to.

the last lines again are a perfect ending.

I think for you formating is the only issue. Getting it from head to the best possible package for a reader in a page format but as for the concept and much of the imgery, word choice, content.. I am slightly jelous.

Great. give it and you the time its worth and polish it up. Its too good not to.

The critique by Disaster Girl is well done and I agree. Great lines and images need not be hindered by a layout poor.