What do you think of my poem? Is it any good? Please comment?

Question:Everyday I pray
But I still haven't been answered
I still have my pain
This is worse than cancer

I take these drugs
But they can't cure me
All they do is make it numb
But even that is only temporary

Some people try to help
Others feed my malaise
This place is like hell
I'm looking for better days

This feeling is atrocious
I wish it would cease
Yet it keeps me under hypnosis
When will I have peace?

Can I really have peace?
I know nothings sublime
Maybe life can't be a masterpiece
But things get better over time

Ok well I havent finished it yet. I dont do drugs anymore. Congrats for me! Basically I wanted to start this talking about the pain I use to have and end it by saying even though I can't have peace that Im working towards getting to whatever is closest to peace. I hope you understand what Im saying. Maybe youll understand when its finished. So what do you think about it? Is it any good so far? I appreciate any constructive criticism you may have.Or any suggestions.thank you

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Everyday I pray
But I still haven't been answered
I still have my pain
This is worse than cancer

I take these drugs
But they can't cure me
All they do is make it numb
But even that is only temporary

Some people try to help
Others feed my malaise
This place is like hell
I'm looking for better days

This feeling is atrocious
I wish it would cease
Yet it keeps me under hypnosis
When will I have peace?

Can I really have peace?
I know nothings sublime
Maybe life can't be a masterpiece
But things get better over time

Ok well I havent finished it yet. I dont do drugs anymore. Congrats for me! Basically I wanted to start this talking about the pain I use to have and end it by saying even though I can't have peace that Im working towards getting to whatever is closest to peace. I hope you understand what Im saying. Maybe youll understand when its finished. So what do you think about it? Is it any good so far? I appreciate any constructive criticism you may have.Or any suggestions.thank you

What you are saying to us is of far more worth that how you have said it. Its message had a great impact upon me, and to me it is finished; there is is not anything more that needs to be said. It cannot be added to; neither should anything be taken away.

I felt as if you were speaking to me and no one else. How I wanted to be your grandfather and to put my understanding arms around you, and to let you know that there was someone who would always be there to share your pain.

Robert

i like it! i can reallly relate =] you wrote it well..

but in the last line, i think you should change it up a bit... peace has been rhymed with too much in the last eight lines of it.
i think you should add some variety (only in the last four lines)! it'd make it a lot stronger.. or if you can just find something else that rhymes with 'peace' and put it in the first line of the last paragraph...
but like i said, it's written really good and relatable!

hi buddy,

the first four lines

Everyday I pray
But I still haven't been answered
I still have my pain
This is worse than cancer

and the last four lines

Can I really have peace?
I know nothings sublime
Maybe life can't be a masterpiece
But things get better over time

made me to read ur poem over n over again .
Its seems quite good .

Hats off to you!

I like your poem, it is very expressive. The last four lines are especially potent. Sometimes the emotional impact of a poem is partially lost when you are rhyming. It can kind of trap you and blunt the appeal. You simply shout when you need to let loose a primal scream. Just something to think about.

I really have to agree with Robert. Congrats getting over the drugs. They don't do anything for you but kill you slowly. I think everyone has their own masterpiece that they create by their own accomplishments. Your masterpiece-your conquering of the drugs in your life. So you see, you do have a masterpeice in your life. :)

You know you are good Ashley, and are certainly improving!
I just can't wait for your book...aren't you gonna send me a signed copy of it?

It actually says things that your heart wants to.
Go on, and god bless.

PS: I got a lil inspiration from you...so I wrote a poem myself.
Check it out and plz, comment on it...honest comments!

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind...

<:^_^:>
Have a Good Day!
Regards,
*^*Lost In Lust*^*