A bit of a downer perhaps, but what do you think?

Question:In the Public Bathroom This Morning

Next to me, an old man, his fingers yellowed and brown.
I hear him wheeze,
The oxygen tank beside him
(Polypropylene serpent slithering to his nose)
Supplies breath and life
But seems more a leash to me, an unwanted restraint.

I wonder briefly at the path that brought him here
And am ashamed that I judge;
Ashamed for we all have our vices
And have made our mistakes.

We finish together and I hold open the door for him;
He graciously thanks me
And exits down the hall,
Cart-wheels squeaking,
Their mournful cry filling my hollowed-out soul.

I exit subdued and diminished.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: In the Public Bathroom This Morning

Next to me, an old man, his fingers yellowed and brown.
I hear him wheeze,
The oxygen tank beside him
(Polypropylene serpent slithering to his nose)
Supplies breath and life
But seems more a leash to me, an unwanted restraint.

I wonder briefly at the path that brought him here
And am ashamed that I judge;
Ashamed for we all have our vices
And have made our mistakes.

We finish together and I hold open the door for him;
He graciously thanks me
And exits down the hall,
Cart-wheels squeaking,
Their mournful cry filling my hollowed-out soul.

I exit subdued and diminished.

good visuals....and I like that it's in the present, however, Id' leave out the third line because I think it's unnecessary
the next line is way more powerful and tells me (without telling me, if that makes sense) that he's on oxygen

Moving! I love poetry like this. Keep it up.

No not a downer but for me a reflective look at judgments and how they are made. Well done. My only concern would be in the vivid description of yellowed and brown fingers indicating a smoker. Perhaps leaving it more vague would build it better, but that is my opinion. I will exit now for a have read a good one!

I suspect your soul is a little less hollow for this experience.
Very nice poem about compassion, understanding, and self reflection. It's a great poem, but I love those last two lines. They are very powerful. Beautifully written and beautifully said.

Edit: I have to agree with carpediemmaster. You don't need the third line. The fourth line is so well constructed that the third is unnecessary. I think most everyone will get it. It also creates an amazing image.

I feel this one. I think we all fall under the "judging" catergory a few times during life. It's sad to say but true. As far as your poem goes, it's an eye-opener that I truly liked.

Regard the air with savoir fare
Suck in all you can
And hope to never respirate
From a bright green trollied bottle

You speak of my father before he passed. Everything you observed and said is true.

The word "consequences" rolls from our consciousness and off our tongues so easily and then we are so emptied of our judgmental quickness when we view the human suffering involved.
This is quite poignant and very well said, a quality piece of work.

I agree with neonman on the "his fingers yellowed and brown" reference. My only critique on this whole piece would be to perhaps eliminate it altogether. The message of the poem holds more intrigue and mystery and feels more polished to me without it.