Could you please give me some feedback?

Question:could you give me feedback on the "poem" below - i know there's no structure and it doesn't rhyme, but i just wanted to convey a feeling. It's also meant to be a form of spoken poetry and i got the idea from something i saw on the net. Oh and it's not completed yet. x

There has been no hope for the silently dying
No attempt to put pen to paper and
villify the brutes who proceed to destroy lives
in a hope
to subjugate

Where once she stood,
tall and proud
she now cowers silently
trapped
within a screen of cotton and polyester

I have never known enough entrapment,
to desire
escape through death
I have never known enough fear,
to strike
a match and set my body and soul on fire
entering
the purifying flames of deeply crimson waves
turning to ash
and rising
a phoenix

Rising a phoenix
The rebirth,
of the phoenix
The rebirth
of the daughters
of Afghanistan
trapped within a vicious circle of
continuity

Hell ~ i can't even burn and die in peace

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: could you give me feedback on the "poem" below - i know there's no structure and it doesn't rhyme, but i just wanted to convey a feeling. It's also meant to be a form of spoken poetry and i got the idea from something i saw on the net. Oh and it's not completed yet. x

There has been no hope for the silently dying
No attempt to put pen to paper and
villify the brutes who proceed to destroy lives
in a hope
to subjugate

Where once she stood,
tall and proud
she now cowers silently
trapped
within a screen of cotton and polyester

I have never known enough entrapment,
to desire
escape through death
I have never known enough fear,
to strike
a match and set my body and soul on fire
entering
the purifying flames of deeply crimson waves
turning to ash
and rising
a phoenix

Rising a phoenix
The rebirth,
of the phoenix
The rebirth
of the daughters
of Afghanistan
trapped within a vicious circle of
continuity

Hell ~ i can't even burn and die in peace

That is some powerful stuff! I agree with clueless though, you do kind of jump from the personal to the general, however just work on that and it's perfection.

I absolutely love spoken poetry and i'm sure this will be brilliant!

Peace

xx

I really liked your poem, it is powerful and moving.

But you moved from the personal to the general and your reader is left wondering is the person the poem is about one of the daughters of Afghanistan or is she being comparative? I assume she is, but you might want to put a personal aspect into the last part of the poem....just a thought.

Great poem.

Very powerful words. I liked it!