A short poem , please comment?

Question:A Feast

Like torment , this pain of mine,
Tis ignorance they only know.
Please, quaff some lies with that wine.
Tonight , delude catching the joy echo.

White satin , A front , they put a barrier.
Feary red eyed gleaming in the dark.
The sharp blades punctures, rips the exterrior
Bloody liquid , saliva , savage embark

This gory fest lingers , greasy fat fingers
Wipe crusts off your odious snicker
Irony, Only I, catch the sound of beggars
And notice through the cloud of odour ,
In the pile of flesh digs a criter.

I smile

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: A Feast

Like torment , this pain of mine,
Tis ignorance they only know.
Please, quaff some lies with that wine.
Tonight , delude catching the joy echo.

White satin , A front , they put a barrier.
Feary red eyed gleaming in the dark.
The sharp blades punctures, rips the exterrior
Bloody liquid , saliva , savage embark

This gory fest lingers , greasy fat fingers
Wipe crusts off your odious snicker
Irony, Only I, catch the sound of beggars
And notice through the cloud of odour ,
In the pile of flesh digs a criter.

I smile

love the ending! your last stanza is defanitly the best! The lines "This gory fest lingers , greasy fat fingers
Wipe crusts off your odious snicker". I found these lines very suprizing, I wouldn't have expected them! Do you mean to say tis ignorance? or this ignorance? If you mean tis, it's too outdates for such a modern poem. The first two stanzas have a slow speed, but the first line of the third stanza reads very fast. If I were you, I would make the first line two lines and add an and:
this gory fest lingers
and greasy fat fingers
or add an as:
As this gory fest lingers
greasy fat fingers...
I think that if you fix this, the poem will have a more even tempo, and it will sound darker and more intense, which I gather is the intention here.
The first line "like torment, this pain of mine" suggests that you are going to compare the idea of torment to "this pain of mine". Ie. it seems that you're going to say like torment, this pain of mine is merciless like a playground enemy. haha.. I know that's dumb, but I hope it makes my point clearer. With poetry you have to watch that the images you're creating are making sense in the reader's mind, or else the poem becomes choppy and the reader can't follow it.

I like the poem! don't fall into the trap of making the first copy the final copy. Your initial inspirating makes the poem interesting, and the editing process makes the poem good! you defanitly don't have far to go, it's a great poem!

good luck, keep writing, it's excellent!!

Yes well it's a bit evil don't you think? but no I really liked it man this proves that poems don't just have to be airy fairy.

Its good that you like writing.

It was good enough.
You may coin even better ones which reveal great meaning and are reader friendly too.

Good job indeed.

That's kind of nasty. Good, but nasty!

I loved it!!! WAY TO BE MOBIDLY CREEPY LIKE I WOULD!!!

The poem is *gross*, but it's great writing!

Sorry just seems a jumble to me.

WOW..... interesting...

groseeeee but REAL GOOD WRITING.. hahaha...

NICE POEM I LIKE IT A BIT EMO BUT I LIKE IT A LOT