Will you kindly offer criticism on my poem?

Question:Feet stepping methodically on this brick sidewalk,
I am humbled thinking of who walked here before.
Cracks reveal that this path has been well worn,
Millions of souls wandered this city I adore.

But, I begin to wonder, how many of them heard?
How many slowed long enough to listen?
Stomps and shouts, cars speeding by quickly,
This is the city's whisper that you've been missing.

The tender wind that blows all around you,
Is her way of telling you to walk around.
Forego the taxi, put your wallet away,
Be carried by only her rhythms and sounds.

Allow yourself be lost in her tender winds,
You may feel someone's dreams coming true.
That bench has paint chipped and falling off,
Someone great may have sat there before you.

This is as far as I got, I am sort of stuck as to where to go with it next. Suggestions and constructive criticism is very appreciated!

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Feet stepping methodically on this brick sidewalk,
I am humbled thinking of who walked here before.
Cracks reveal that this path has been well worn,
Millions of souls wandered this city I adore.

But, I begin to wonder, how many of them heard?
How many slowed long enough to listen?
Stomps and shouts, cars speeding by quickly,
This is the city's whisper that you've been missing.

The tender wind that blows all around you,
Is her way of telling you to walk around.
Forego the taxi, put your wallet away,
Be carried by only her rhythms and sounds.

Allow yourself be lost in her tender winds,
You may feel someone's dreams coming true.
That bench has paint chipped and falling off,
Someone great may have sat there before you.

This is as far as I got, I am sort of stuck as to where to go with it next. Suggestions and constructive criticism is very appreciated!

It's interesting... the rhyme scheme you used is more free-flowing, kind of like the Romantic poets. It feels like it's capturing the light side of cities - too often cities get bashed in poetry, but this is an interesting thought, about the great people who lived there. I like it overall. There's something very affectionate about it.

The only part I'll criticize is the "listen-missing" lines in the second stanza. It might just be personal taste, but all of your other stanzas rhyme more precisely than this, so it's just a bit jarring.

Maybe you could describe next how the speaker hopes they may be one of these great people someday, or that in the future, someone else will walk the same path as them.

WHOA!!,
that's really good, you must be talented...

And I'm not just saying that for best answer!

*wink* *wink* *nod* *nod*

You are only as good as the last poem u wrote...and it sucked.

that's a very neat poem!!! lots of thought put into it. also - our avatars look ALOT alike!!!

Awe this is great!

Honestly, I dont think you need to go farther. The cliff hanger is great. Awesome.

not bad. You should enter poetry contest at http://poem7.com

it was ok. i got bored in the first couple of lines, may be my fault but i just didnt get hooked

It's nice for someone who has been writing for maybe a year or two, but not good enough for a professional writer.

Try to copy some of the pattern's Shakespeare used in his sonnets such as a ABAB CDCD EFEF GG rhyming scheme.
If you're planning on making it longer, use more descriptive words that will make your poem vivid and colorful. Make sure your poem also has either a story or a lucid meaning to it.

I LOVED it! Very well written and organized. I csn tell you are a good poet. For the next couple lines think about other things you see. Maybe write about the big buildings or the people surrounding you. Maybe what is the sky or something in the world that could not compare to this city you are speaking of. After a couple more lines if would come to a conclusion. Maybe describe more how you feel about this place...
Hope this helped!

Good work so far. You done done a lot of set up for the point of your poem. Depending on where you are leading and end up, you may want to use only the best of what you have already written.

I could see this going many ways: a commentary on the shared experiences of humanity, a verse about the college experience or a trip to some city like Rome or Hollywood, or simply looking back upon one's own accomplishments with humility.

I will share a song I wrote about the state where I live that also shows feelings of appreciation for a place.

Ohio, You've been Awfully Good to Me

Verse 1
When I think about my lifetime, I know that I've been blessed
my friends, my home, my family, I really must confess,
I know what it's like in heaven, found a slice right here,
surrounded by the ones I love and all I hold so dear.
Ohio, you've been awfully good to me.

Verse 2
Looking out my kitchen window, beneath a sky so blue,
a land of truth and plenty, a gift to me and you.
From Adams on to Wyandotte and everywhere between,
a place where we can do whatever hearts would dare to dream.
Ohio, you've been awfully good to me.

Chorus
Ohio, you've been awfully good to me.
No brighter star from sea to shining sea
Where I've worked and played and cried,
I'll call you home until I die.
There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be.
Ohio, you've been awfully good to me.

Verse 3
To the land of the Adena, our founding fathers came,
across the mighty river which bears your stately name.
And somewhere in your fertile valleys they settled down to stay,
then pass to us this place I love and celebrate today.
Ohio, you've been awfully good to me.

Verse 4
A state of graceful beauty and possibility,
you've watched our children grow up since 18 hundred 3
and stood the faithful backdrop of every single day.
I pray to never see it end, may your pennant always wave.
Ohio, you've been awfully good to me.

Chorus
Ohio, you've been awfully good to me,
No brighter star from sea to shining sea
and wherever I may roam,
with Buckeye pride I'll call you home.
There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be.
Ohio, you've been awfully good (2x)
Ohio, (spoken) you've been awfully good to me

?2003 PMO

Not too shabby, actually. You're stretching your mind a bit, so that's always a good thing.

Don't worry about that one snotty answer. I saw her eating from the dog bowl earlier.

Well one thing I can say is whats the title? A title would do it alot of good.

line one 3rd stanza I see the words tender winds,
I see it again on the first line of the fourth stanza. It looks odd to see this expression multiple times but not in all stanzas. Think up a few synonyms for the word "tender" and possibly even "winds" and replace one set of those words. in such a short poem, when you repeat the same phrase several times but no throughout the whole poem it seems like you can't think of any new words. Poetry is all about how you describe things, dont let your descriptions become monotonous.

It is really good. Your ideas are great.

That was great. For a moment I was back in NY walking in Centeral park. I liked it just the way it is the end left me open to continue my walk on my own. But if you want to add to it I would just continue walking and allow that to inspire you. Good luck.

i thought it was really good!
don't listen to athletic AZN poems don't always have to
rhyme its called freestyle i think if poems dont rhyme they sound better