I really need your help on this poem! Can you help?

Question:Think it is missing something, but i cant put a finger on it. also, can you think of a good name for it?

A little boy sits and waits.
He waits in ambush.
The door opens and he launches.
With tiny arms and legs
he attaches himself to the mans legs.
Screaming and crying and begging.
"Daddy please dont go! I promise I will be better.
I'll give you Teddy if you stay!"
The man reaches down with tear filled eyes,
picks up his son for the last time.
He gives his wife her last kiss
and caresses her stomach,
a dughter he will never meet.
He puts down his son and heads for the door.
Entering the car, he drives away
not once looking back at the family he will die for.

Thousands of miles away
the man prepares for his last day.
He opens his bags
taking out his few possesions
Inside he finds a stuffed bear and a note.
"Im sary dadie"

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Think it is missing something, but i cant put a finger on it. also, can you think of a good name for it?

A little boy sits and waits.
He waits in ambush.
The door opens and he launches.
With tiny arms and legs
he attaches himself to the mans legs.
Screaming and crying and begging.
"Daddy please dont go! I promise I will be better.
I'll give you Teddy if you stay!"
The man reaches down with tear filled eyes,
picks up his son for the last time.
He gives his wife her last kiss
and caresses her stomach,
a dughter he will never meet.
He puts down his son and heads for the door.
Entering the car, he drives away
not once looking back at the family he will die for.

Thousands of miles away
the man prepares for his last day.
He opens his bags
taking out his few possesions
Inside he finds a stuffed bear and a note.
"Im sary dadie"

I think if you cut some extra words it will be more poetic, tighter and more powerful.

I would lose the whole first line. Start with He waits in ambush. The next line can be just a boy if you think you need it (I would leave it out all together, we know it's a boy because he has small arms and legs and from the story context).

Screaming and crying should stay on one line.
Begging alone on the next. Sets it apart so it stands out. Emphasizes the loneliness and desperation of the boy.

I would also take out some of the other parts like "for the last time." It would be better to show than to tell. Leave something to the reader's imagination and communicate this some other way. A one way trip? The name of a city far away?

Also take out the words "the family he will die for"

That's my adice. See how it reads after those changes.

That poem is amazing. It pretty much brought tears to my eyes. I think it's perfect.

it's not a poem

This poem really touched my heart. I love your poem. Sorry that i dont know a good name for it...but if you wrote this poem, im sure that you will figure out an awsome name for it...good luck...:)

That is really beautiful. I'm speechless. I think it is perfect as is. I wouldn't add a title either. I think this poem speaks for itself. It is very stunning. You have a lot of talent.

Needs punctuation correction and finalizing verse to sum up the situation, maybe the father's emotions or after he dies and the family's response?

Very touching. I'm guessing its about a boy who's father goes off to Iraq and the mom is pregnant..?
you say legs line 4 and line 5 ending word. Maybe you could change line 4 to with short legs and tiny arms or something like that.

He gives his wife her last kiss
and caresses her stomach
a daughter he will never meet.

that needs something. I'm not sure what, maybe caressing the daughter he will never meet.?

Otherwise this is realllllly good. are you writing it for anything special?

i think the title should be something like "last kiss"

the spelling: daughter and possessions. Also why is the man a thousand miles away preparing for his last day? Is he in Iraq? The poem sounds touching and sad. Why did he leave his family

the poem was great.here are some names:the last goodbye,the note,teddy,tears,im sary daddie,don't go

While I appreciate the storyline, this is not a poem.
This site might help you identify what kinds of poetry there are and that yours isn't a viable one.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/types-of-...

outstanding!!!!........I think you need an ending though, good or bad, what happens to the man.

Some moderately decent names from a moderately decent person:
-Teddy
-Last day
-"Im sary dadie"
-Don't go

You left out the 'a' in daughter.

Wonderful poem!! How do you do this? AMAZING.
-Brooke