Rate it, please?

Question:Pupils

Like a train coming from the distance
They lie deep within your eyes
Too far away for for me to grab
and examine closely in my hands

What beauty do they hold?
What secrets have they forgotten?
Do they wonder about me too?

Look closer.

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In only 13. I just randomly wrote this in about 4-5 minutes. Probably not great, but I want to see what you guys think

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Pupils

Like a train coming from the distance
They lie deep within your eyes
Too far away for for me to grab
and examine closely in my hands

What beauty do they hold?
What secrets have they forgotten?
Do they wonder about me too?

Look closer.

-----------

In only 13. I just randomly wrote this in about 4-5 minutes. Probably not great, but I want to see what you guys think

I like the beginning. And i like the metaphor you used, "like a train coming from the distance"
Great way to describe a pupil.
However the second paragraph could be better.
This will be a great poem when you change the ending a little and maybe add some more to it too.

Keep writing!

same here!13 and like to write. i say that its pretty good. but could be better if u added more to the endin

Very Good! Keep it up and you will go far! It is good that you are expressing yourself through writing and I can really understand your thoughts. I dont see young men or women that can spell or write well on Answers very often. You should be proud of yourself.

I like the ending, and the line about a train. I'm guessing its about A boy's thoughts when you say "they"? You might want to clarify on that part, but if you continue, you'll be writing great poems in no time. I really liked it a lot. Oh, wait, i just saw the title.... I don't really like it as much now. : [

Wow, that is natural talent.
Nice work:)

You have a strong method about you for 13. WHAT i meant to say you are going to be a fine poet . Your insights run deep
into the human spirit of curiosity and mental thoughts. There is talent there keep progressing!!!!

Very good. You've got potential.