Ametuer poem not so great posted it in lyrics but wanted more input?

Question:Remember

Remember the first time
she stared into your eyes
remember it well
she stared into mine!

Remember the first time
she smiled at you
remember it well
because she was smiling at you

Remember the first time
you laughed together
remember it well
as pieces mend together

Remember the first time
your hand touched hers
remember it well
so clean and pure

Remember the first time
your lips met to fast
remember it well
for its not the last

suggestions... whatever

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Remember

Remember the first time
she stared into your eyes
remember it well
she stared into mine!

Remember the first time
she smiled at you
remember it well
because she was smiling at you

Remember the first time
you laughed together
remember it well
as pieces mend together

Remember the first time
your hand touched hers
remember it well
so clean and pure

Remember the first time
your lips met to fast
remember it well
for its not the last

suggestions... whatever

This would make a very nice song if it had a chorus and would actually make a better song than a poem.

It is very repetitive not just in one but in two lines over and over (Remember the first time AND remember it well) and that is really distracting to the piece. Most good poetry is about useage of words so that you say things in as brief as manner as possible and with a greater sense of variety while being more descriptive and bringing out feeling which is what gives it, its beauty.

That said, as it stands, this is well done. I think in your 3rd stanza the world "meld" would be a better choice than 'mend' together.

In the 5th and last stanza, a couple spelling errors:
your lips met to (too) fast
for its (it's) not the last

Other than these small changes, it's good. I still think it would make a great song with a chorus added somehow.

sounds good. sounds like lyrics to a song

i like it, poems are all personal prefrence and opinion its all about what you want to protray and i think thats a very nice poem, i would however take out the exclaimation mark, you dont need any in a poem, i write alot of short poems and one site i like is www.poetrywithmeaning.com you can post all your poems, have people rate them, rate other amatuers, and share what u have to say

WELL, it's very simple but it sounds more like a song?

I totally agree with the others. It would make a great song if you could come up with a chorus. Really good words with the change of meld instead of mend.