Can you help me inprove my poem?

Question:I am studying this titan ATLAS and made a poem about him and here it is:

Alone in the cruel world of the gods
As punishment for all the suffering he delivered
No one to help him
No one to save him
No one to take the pain away.
His shoulders feel like collapsing everyday
Just as his brothers lay
They also must pay.
Day, by day, by day.

i know its not that good but can you copy and past it and just improve some places...it would be much appreciated...Thanks

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I am studying this titan ATLAS and made a poem about him and here it is:

Alone in the cruel world of the gods
As punishment for all the suffering he delivered
No one to help him
No one to save him
No one to take the pain away.
His shoulders feel like collapsing everyday
Just as his brothers lay
They also must pay.
Day, by day, by day.

i know its not that good but can you copy and past it and just improve some places...it would be much appreciated...Thanks

well here goes not sure if its gonna rhyme as much but here it is:

As punishment for his mistakes
hell feel the pain he chose to create
no one to help him carry the weight
No one to save him from his fate
his brothers too must lie in wait
forever staring through the gate
the only witness he shall be
to see each passing dynasty
Day, by day his time will pass
as if lost in a looking glass

Alone in this cruel world of the gods
As punishment for all the suffering he delivered
No one to help him
No one to save him
No one to take the pain away.
His shoulders feel like collapsing everyday
Just as his brothers lay
They also must pay.
Day, by day, by day.
in this world in which i lie,
i dont know what to do,
but this cruel cruel world,
is watching you

LMAO i made the end line sound wierd use it if u want

I think it is a good start, but you have too many lines that end with that -ay sound. Take it down a notch or two. Like it so far though. : )

Trapped, in the callous world of the gods
As punishment for all the suffering he delivered
No one to help him
No one to save him
No one to take his pain away.
Hour after hour he’d desperately pray
That somehow, everything would be okay.
But his torment would live on from day to day
His brothers also left to lay
In a sea of anguish, with just one quest;
For their souls to finally be put to rest

Im not really much of a poet lol x